This article is classified "Fictional"
One of the more interesting questions of life is whether it continues after
the dramatic change we call death. Is death a transition, or is this all
we get? A lot of time has been spent thinking about and discussing this
subject, energy that could have better been used in a more constructive
way. To settle this issue once and for all I have written this article.
Most of the discussions about life after death are more about what
happens in that life (the contents) than if it exists.
Buddhists and Hindus suppose that after death you get reincarnated; you
come back on this same earth as, for instance, Ghandi, or an extremely rare
species of beetle, depending on how well you lead your present life. After
travelling through many lives and achieving a perfect state of being, you
go to Nirvana. Here you are granted eternal rest from telemarketers
(although I do remember a loud rock band was involved somehow, but I forgot
the details).
Catholics suppose you either go to a boring place and sing songs
accompanied by a harp, or you go to an exciting and hot place, this
inversely dependant on how you lead your present life.
Scientologists suggest that your soul goes to Mars (the area for souls
between lives) to be subjected to unspeakable tortures during which you are
made to "forget" your previous life [1]. Afterwards you go back to Earth
and decide which body to inhabit next. This decision is affected a bit by
the fact that everyone seems to be stark raving mad. After some centuries/
millennia of these ill-inspired decisions, Earth will resemble a
particularly badly run mental institution. The effects are already widely
noticeable.
The Ancient Norse folk thought Odin collected mortals who had died during
battle, to add to his famous collection in Valhalla. All the remaining
dead, the wimps, went to Helheim (or Nifflheim). Odin's collection of
warriors were supposed to fight the ultimate battle at the end of time,
Ragnarok. It is unclear what they thought to win at the end of time. It
supposedly has something to do with the circularity of time, like the hand
of a watch going round and round. It goes round and round and round, and
always returns to the same numbers, like clockwork. Peacefully the hand
goes round and round; look at it going... You feel relaxed now, and as the
hand goes round, with each passing you will relax some more. Take it easy,
relax, relaaax. Now, after some three minutes you will awaken and never
remember that you have read this paragraph. You will think favourably of
the author of this article, specifically in a monetary sense. Now relax,
and keep watching the hands of the clock...
The Torajans of Indonesia, after dying, have their soul, the "Bombo",
resembling the deceased in every detail, transported (only if the funeral
rites are properly orchestrated, otherwise the Bombo will haunt the living)
to Puya, the land of soles (where also the Holy Shoes reside), together
with all the wealth and livestock sacrificed at the funeral. In Puya, the
Bombos live in a similar environment as the living for an eternity, unless
they are promoted to the rank of deified ancestor, Deata, which are small
and golden. The Deatas live in the heavens and provide protection and
prosperity in exchange for ritual offerings.
Muslims suppose people die and rest in their grave until judgment day. The
non-believers and believers both have to cross a bridge over an abyss, in
which Hell lies, to the other side, Heaven. The believers' bridge is
normal, the non-believers' bridge is as thin as a hair (so start practising
tight-rope walking, guys!) Once plunged into the eternal fires, you have
to drink boiling water (tea) and eat fruit from the Zakkoen tree. This
looks like the head of Satan and, once in the stomach, feels like molten
metal (peppers?). Heaven, on the other hand, is a beautiful garden. The
women who arrive in heaven are rejuvenated and become ecstatic at the
thought that they are allowed to keep their husband company for all
eternity. The men, on the other hand, become as potent as 80 men and are
met by one hundred heavy breasted women a day, who regain their virginity
every time they've had sex. Let's say, a somewhat different kind of
ecstasy.
Atheists have almost got it right. They say there is nothing after death.
It is true that after your present life terminates, there is nothing. But
life after death exists. And this is it.
This might sound like a contradiction. Not so. At this very moment you
are experiencing the life after death. The fact is, that you've already
had your previous existence, a LIFE in the largest sense of the word.
Unfortunately you will never be able to even imagine what it was like. Back
then the only thing you knew was that there would be something after
that life, and that made people (if "people" is the correct word) content
and peaceful.
We would never have thought about life after death if it wasn't for the
fact that a tiny bit of information of the previous existence manages to
seep through: the awareness that there is something after death. Pretty
ironic, if you consider that the present is your last journey. This little
"cosmic" error is therefore the cause of all the discussions and this
general fussing about.
I hope that now I have made that clear, you won't spend any time and effort
on that subject anymore. The loss of prospect may make you sad, but don't
be! There's still plenty of time to make the best of life now. I hope
I've made that easier by getting rid of the senseless discussions about
"what's next?"
Before you start questioning on what authority I speak, I'll tell you that
I am the one who most people regard as being God. While you let this sink
in, I'm sorry to disappoint the majority of them, as almost every one of
them has different expectations about me. Although I speak through the
hands of this human (the author), I must confess that I'm not as
all-powerful as many people think. I'm the only "higher" being in
existence, but I didn't create Earth and everything. Otherwise I would
have certainly made a lot more of those fun fjords around the place. I
can, however, at least give you humans a little information via the net, to
make your existence a trickle easier and more fun.
[1] After first learning how to play it... that may take quite some time,
but hey, you've got an eternity!
[2] The soul-wash isn't entirely successful, so you still remember
some of your previous lives, and you can still pay the Church hard
cash to help you recall all the horrible things that happen during and
in between your previous lives, in a futile attempt to regain your
sanity.