This article is classified "Fictional"
As a special service to all you hitchhikers out there, I have at a great
length completely and utterly studied the book 1001 Uses of Jellyfish by
Bran Manmanayt (Stin/Gauch-Press). I hereby present an extract in
which I have included the more funny and short examples. I have made a
separate list of uses of special interest to the hitchhiker. This is to
underline my conviction that jellyfish definitely are one of the most
important things a true hitchhiker should carry around with him -- maybe
even more important than towels, plastic bags, thumbs, pillow cases,
spoons, and can openers.
Some uses concern jellyfish that sting and some concern jellyfish that
don't sting. Bran Manmanayt has provided indexes: Do Sting (DS) and Don't
Sting (DS). As these are the same for every entry, I have excluded them.
General
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(0043) Jellyfish salad. In California, you can get jellyfish salad in many
Vietnamese restaurants. It isn't bad.
(0054) Soup. Just heat it up. All soup ingredients are already present.
(0077) Jellyfish in vinegar and soy. Doesn't taste of anything, but gives
a great feeling when chewed. They are best sliced in neat strips.
(0080) French gourmet delicacy (possibly).
(0081) Chinese gourmet delicacy (probably).
(0082) Japanese gourmet delicacy (definitely).
(0120) Mix. Run a jellyfish through a food processor, then mix some
interesting and probably rather strong drinks.
(0130) Dog biscuits (dried).
(0253) Wig or toupee.
(0256) Hair styling gel.
(0275) Organic breast implant with features for amazing sex life in
aeroplanes. Expand and contract with changes in altitude.
(0278) Cheap brain substitute (pink and wet).
(0280) Inside-of-your-eye transplant.
(0288) Cheap contact lens for the Extremely Amazed.
(0304) Medicine against rheumatism (exactly like rubbing yourself all
over with a stinging nettle).
(0312) Pillow for when you've just had a leg or other limb amputated.
(Guaranteed to take your mind of it!)
(0330) Diapers (knot them together with the tentacles).
(0353) Lubricating jelly.
(0357) Potency enhancer (just like rhino-horn).
(0399) Ice hockey puck (freeze them first).
(0412) Jellyfish baseball (entirely not unlike frog baseball).
(0413) Jellyfish cricket (nice and messy).
(0414) Jellyfish golf (again, nice and messy).
(0430) Underwater "clay-pigeon" shooting.
(0473) Aquatic frisbee.
(0481) Swimming pool/area marking.
(0502) Clay substitute (throw it against a wall to see it sticks).
(0504) Water balloon for children's games.
(0511) Freeze them and use them in your cooler to keep drinks cold.
(0522) Window.
(0532) Mince them and put them in an isolation kit tube.
(0534) Draught excluder.
(0537) Doorstop.
(0541) Unwelcome mat.
(0555) Mince them and use them as wallpaper paste.
(0574) Shower cap.
(0583) Light bulb for special light effects (new year festivities).
(0587) Light shade, after you've stuck a light bulb in it.
(0590) Waterbed in itself or waterbed filling (extremely stable).
(0593) Furniture coasters.
(0594) Good conversation pieces on the coffee table or over the sofa or
as hood ornament.
(0600) Nail them to the wall as picture substitute (fine art).
(0620) Cushion (for piano stool for example. Wear SCUBA trousers).
(0630) Paperweight. Use waterproof paper or a dried jellyfish (use towel).
(0713) Prison wall material; prisoners at day build the wall, at night can
not escape and next day continue constructing (never-ending process)
(0722) Windsock (after sticking a pole in them).
(0747) Bookmark (use a squashed one).
(0751) Pencil case.
(0760) Mouse pad (it really works!).
(0777) Pet jellyfish. (Easy to feed, don't disturb neighbours, don't make
noise, etc.)
(0792) Lunch bag (dry it first) or any other bag.
(0808) Fluoriscating jellyfish can be used as body paint, after which you
can go to fancy dress parties as the Michelin man.
(0816) Translucent medallion.
(0838) Christmas tree decoration, especially the ones with long tentacles.
(0877) Masochism masturbation: eat one and then pull the tentacles back out
through your nose with one of those devices Arnie used in Total
Recall.
(0891) Sexual contact maker. Get someone to piss on the stings.
(0919) Jellyfish... trade them with your friends... collect them all!
(0920) Pickle one and send it to the 'Preserve Wildlife' society.
(0933) Actor in cult and/or horror movie.
(0935) Alien Punch and Judy (or Thunderbirds) puppet.
(0940) Prop for that Japanese "Endurance" show (you need a *lot* of them).
(0958) Puree one and use it in your water gun.
(0963) Sting yourself just for the hell of it.
(0964) Use it as a nickname (some people do this voluntarily you know!).
(0977) Write books about them like 1001 uses of Jellyfish or 1001
Jellyfish Nights with fascinating stories like "Ali-Jellyfish and
the Forty Thieves," "Jellyfish and his Magic Lamp," and of course
"Jellyfish the Sailor."
(0979) Listen to their music. The album "Spilt Milk" should sound like a
groovy mix of the Beatles and Queen with an alternative twist to it.
(0981) Oceanic UFO substitute (Unidentified Floating Object) (is it Bob J.
or Arnold J.?).
(0983) Fire fighter water balloon.
(0997) Use them to turn the old "bucket of water on top of the door"
practical joke into an effective home security system.
The selection of the next section is highly arbitrary, so don't hesitate
to make use of one of the above uses while hitch hiking.
Hitchhiker's Special Interest
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(0019) Tuna and jellyfish sandwich (heavy on the mayo).
(0021) Sandwich spread.
(0023) Peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich. It's hard to keep them from
sliding off the bread, but worth a try.
(0029) Chili or pepper replacement. Simply eat you food with your hands
after touching one of the most stingiest.
(0098) Instant Jello dessert.
(0111) Canteen.
(0129) Crisps. Dried cannonball jellyfish are a delicacy in Japan. They
look and sound just like giant potato crisps.
(0211) Vitamin pill.
(0259) Soap. Use jelly fish eggs 1/2 inch diameter. How? Beats me.
(0311) Dental floss. Use the longest, thinnest tentacles.
(0335) Psychiatrist. Convey all your problems to the patient jellyfish.
Its inherent calmness will provide you with an atmosphere in which
answers will erupt like ink from a squid.
(0337) Brain exerciser (think of 1001 ways to use jellyfish).
(0352) Fancy condom (inspect your local beach for new and used ones).
(0477) Large dried ones as sunshades.
(0633) Dried ones as cheap toilet paper. Wet ones as bottom tissues.
(0666) Inverse towel.
(0812) Swatch watch.
(0830) Hat. Especially nice and cooling in desert areas.
(0937) Banana peels replacement for beach pratfalls or in comic acts.
(0953) If you put one down on a wooden pier in the summer, it will dry up
and disappear without a trace. Put a piece of white paper under it
first and a few hours later you have a faint picture of a jellyfish
on the paper.
(0965) Excuse for avoiding unpleasant date (gotta wash my jellyfish).
(0969) Practical jokes: -Put one in handbag and watch from a distance.
-Puree them and pour them over the windscreen on someone's car and
they will drip down inside the ventilation ducts and start to reek
after a few days. -Throw them to someone's stomach, who will suck
his gut in so it will neatly slip inside his shorts, creating a
lively scene. -Throw them onto people from tall buildings.
-Put one in someone's aquarium/laundry/mailbox/toilet/bed/chair/
pocket/shampoo.
(0990) Short range self defence weapon. Walk into a room swinging a
jellyfish around your head and you'll command respect.
(0999) Beach protector to keep little sisters away from one's beach
possessions. A neat circle of them in the sand around a spread-out
towel is guaranteed to keep suntan lotion, sunglasses and Barbie
dolls safe from knifing fingers. Works just as well with other
creatures.
(1000) Hot bath guards. Guard your bath just filled with the perfect
temperature of water against partners eager to steal your perfect
bath.
But before you start and use the jellyfish and fish everyone of them out of
the seven seas I suggest you first consider what it must feel like for the
poor jellyfish. Then just go ahead and use it. You can skip the empathy
bit if you don't really feel related to jellyfish.