This article is classified "Fictional"
In a landmark discovery, Astronomers at the Waikato Observatory in Hamilton,
New Zealand have used advanced Astronomical triangulation techniques to
locate Computing sites that store X-Rated GIF and JPEG format pictures.
The technique was pioneered by Dr. Ian Analpeeper and is based around
variations in the Earth's rotation and predicted orbit about the sun.
"It's quite simple really," Dr. Analpeeper explained to our reporters.
"The Earth revolves somewhat like a car wheel turns; and like a car wheel,
it is *precisely* balanced. When the balance is upset, the wheel does not
revolve as smoothly. Bearing this in mind, we used the facts before us to
locate the sites we wished to get to. These facts were:
1) Firstly, we knew that GIF and JPEG files take up a lot of
disk-based space.
2) We know that the large the disk, the heavier it will be.
3) All the really good pictures are in large concentrations.
4) It costs a lot of money to buy new hard disks.
5) Old hard disks have a low capacity.
Using these facts, we came to the following conclusion:
Somewhere, there's lots of pictures on a lot of old, really heavy hard
disks, upsetting the Earth's gravity.
After that, it was simple. We just looked at the changes in the Earth's
rotation over the past few months, allowed for the gravitational attraction
to other planets by a mass of this size, allowed also for the movement of
crowds where U2 plays, divided by the numbers X, Y and Z (our own secret
ingredient), came up with a rough approximation to the nearest square foot
of where the machine was, rung up the site concerned and asked for the name
of the machine at that location, and started an FTP session. Fortunately,
as astronomers we have a significant budget and are able to buy very small,
very large hard disk drives so we don't upset our findings. Simple really."
Dr. Analpeeper would not disclose the names of the sites concerned, nor
would he let our reporters near his 27-inch monitor.