Time

There's So Much Of It, How Come We Can Never Find Any?

This article is classified "Fictional"

It is truly amazing the number of supposedly sentient beings in the universe
that don't seem to be able to "find the time."  Given that there is just so
much of the stuff flowing around us, carrying along birthdays and
anniversaries and absolutely-positively-the-last-chance-get-it-done-or-
you're-fireds, you'd think that people would be finding it coming out their
ears (this being the orifice of choice of over 90% of sentient beings when
asked what orifice their excess possessions flow out of).  But no.

Of course, when I say people, I don't mean everyone.  Wowbagger the
Infinitely Prolonged, that big dumb jerk, is profoundly aware of time.  He
was one of the first people to point out the unusual fact that time seems to
"pile up" on Sunday afternoons, leaving many people crushed by the weight of
it.  It is this peculiar weight that makes people feel particularly listless
all that afternoon, and totally wiped out the next morning.  In view of
this, many of the more advanced societies have made Monday the day of rest,
and given Sunday over to activities that consume vast amounts of time, such
as committee meetings and governmental emergency response activities.  (Of
course, the even more advanced societies have eliminated both committees and
governments, and get rid of the excess time by exporting it to planets with
temporal deficits.  The most advanced societies have also eliminated
economics, and deal with the excess time by shifting it back to Saturday
night, where it's put to much better use.)

Some philosophers have theorized that this tendency not to notice time is
rooted in the evolutionary principle of survival of the fittest.  Given
the huge amounts of time that there are, people who noticed time would be
too busy noticing it to notice other things, such as that succulent
apple-pie tree in the near distance, or that even more succulent member of
the appropriate sex giving them that come-hither look.  Such people never
get a chance to reproduce, and so don't pass on their genes.  The result of
all this is that we end up with species that never fail to notice apple
pies or members of the appropriate sex, which explains why so many people
are run down by lorries outside of nudist bakeries.

Of course, if there were anything to the theory of evolution, there wouldn't
be any philosophers around to propound this other theory, so the whole
thing's a load of bunk, anyway.