This article is classified "Fictional"
People have always been confused by time and space and long talks with their fathers. It's not so much time and space and fathers separately that cause the problems, as the discussions that result from combining them. For instance, if a galactitrain left Alpha Tau Ceti at 3pm traveling spinward at 5 light years per second (ly/s), and another galactitrain left Ursa Minor Beta at 4pm traveling anti-spinward at 7 ly/s, why would my father ground me for driving his galactic runabout to Tau Kappa Beta at 4 ly/s? Even juxtaposing two of these concepts is enough to boggle the minds of a Blanterian. The profundity of the thought typical of these multi-brained organisms has inspired the awe of great thinkers and the envy of Reader's Digest editors throughout history. But ask one why space contracts when you're trying to sneak past your father after denting the finish in his new sports coupe, and they're as stumped as a clearcut forest. The Spatio-Paternal Department of the Temporal University has been in the forefront of spatio-tempora-paternal (STP) studies for centuries. The SPD (or "spud," as it's affectionately known to its alumni) has always been led by the leading scientists of the day, such as: Dr. Gogolan Marf, EC; Dr. Friesenseile, IC; Dr. Sir Lionel Barnold, EC, IC, CGE; and Dr. Dame Cyleckra Lady Beidernath, EC, IC, CGE, RGL, and Playbeing Pet of the Year, 21472. (The institute has always had what it calls "a healthy attitude to sex" -- it being a great way to pass time, use space, and produce fathers. The SPD's detractors have often pointed out that the use of contraceptives has severely curtailed the production of fathers, that most of the sex has taken place within the confines of the Grotto, and, most importantly, they couldn't get the time of day from Lady Beidernath.) The SPD has produced the best-selling text of STP studies, Lady Beidernath's "If You've Got the Time, I've Got the Place, Daddy." This illustrated text is well worth the Altarian $59.95 they charge for it (not available where prohibited by law). But for all its illustrious history, the SPD has not produced one iota of data on the reasons for STP confusion. Not one shred of illumination has been shed on the problem. This raises the question: did all those undergrads really buy that text book for the articles?