This article is classified "Fictional"
Cheese Mining is an ancient and widespread practice that dates back to when it first started. Cheese mines are dotted all over the world, such as the common Cheddar mines, the Dutch Edam and French Brie mines, and the (until recently, very common) East European anti-personnel mines. Cheese ore is generated when milk from leaky cows seeps down into the deeper rock strata and collects in pools. Over millennia, this milk is squeezed until it is converted into a solid rocklike form which is utterly unlike granite. Cheese ore is mined by a similar process to that used for metals and coal, and was first carried out in the early Plastocene age by specially trained rodents, hence the modern day association between cheese and mice. Once brought to the surface, the ore is ground down into a powdered form and mixed with sufficient fresh milk to hydrate it, forming a thick paste. This paste is hammered into blocks using the traditional cheese mallet and cheese board (precursors to the iron age hammer and anvil - interestingly, cave-art from the late plastocene age shows animals being hit by falling cheese boards), typically into a rectangular or cylindrical shape. The cheese is then left in a damp room to slowly dry out - traditionally, caves have been used for this purpose. Use of a really dank cave can instill in the cheese the rich, full, moldy flavour that cheese connoisseurs love. If cheese is dried too quickly, it can develop a crumbly texture. Similarly, if it is dried too slowly, it can become runny or soft. Cunning techniques have allowed some cheeses to develop a tough skin around a soft or runny interior. In some regions of the world, high mineral content can result in the release of gases as the cheese dries, which collect into bubbles, leaving holes through the cheese. Some cheeses are most interesting because as they dry, they sweat out a kind of red wax, which covers the outside of the cheese and gives an excellent surface on which to stick the label. These things all combine to produce a marvelous range of cheeses. Other cheese varieties have been discovered or invented over the centuries of its use. For example, with the introduction of the refrigerator, it suddenly became possible to grow all kinds of new and exciting molds on the surface of your cheese, and research into this phenomena produced new flavours of cheese, including blue vein, which contains injected streaks of living fungus to add flavour. Those who survive the eating say it really is quite nice, if you enjoy eating mold. In modern times, new technology has emerged which allows a new cheese product to be manufactured. Called "processed cheese," it is often sold in packs of slices, where each slice is individually wrapped in a plastic sheath. Just why this is necessary is unknown, as a slice of processed cheese is the nearest thing to a sheet of shiny yellow plastic as scientists have been able to produce, except that it is biodegradable. In fact, not only does processed cheese look like, feel like, and taste like a sheet of soft plastic, many fast food chains now insert slices of the stuff between the buns in a hamburger, in order to stop the buns from sticking together. This new "non-stick" hamburger is called a cheeseburger, after the substance which made it possible. Of course, it costs more than a regular burger, but the benefits of non-stick buns are well worth it. Don't be surprised if you see adverts for the new non-stick frying pan with a miracle coating of processed cheese. 'O' shaped cheeses were also used for a time on ships as a cheap form of lifebelt, until it was discovered that cheese does not float. Before the discovery of penicillin, moldy cheese was used as a cure-all. It was the "miracle drug" of pre-penicillin days, and would cure almost anything except for moldy cheese poisoning, which was usually fatal. An odd side effect of this protection from illness was the ancient belief that cheese protected ones soul. Many ancient cultures wore cheese bracelets and necklaces to guard against evil spirits, which may not have affected the spirits much, but sure helped repulse any invaders with olfactory organs. To this day, the name "cheese" is invoked immediately prior to having a photo taken, so as to guard against the trapping of the subject's soul.