This article is classified "Fictional"
Absolute Zero, 1. ----------------- The exact amount of sympathy you can expect to get for your pathetic little problems in this cold, hard, Bugblatter Beast eat Bugblatter Beast universe. Wake up, Bubbie! This is the real Galaxy and none of your mothers work here! As the great Altairian philosopher Bobo the Plutarch once said, "Laugh and the Galaxy laughs with you. Cry, and some really heinously unhoopy Vogon will rip out your vital internal organs and shove them up your nose just because he's suffering from a little post-lunch gas and wants to work off his frustration." So this is my advice to you: fight hard. Drink hard. Walk alone. Pack a blaster that can take out a large metropolitan area. If you meet a strag, kick him in the shin, and then while he's distracted, gouge out one eye and spit in the other one. If you meet another hitchhiker, first peel off all his skin with a Skinsu Skin Peeler (TM) and then cover him with an inflammable substance and set him on fire. Especially if that hitchhiker is my SOB of an ex-boyfriend, Fluffy Ziffle, last seen in a mint green El Camino Megajalopy headed for Golgafrincham. Before you peel him, tell him I'm Extremely happy. So happy they have to sedate me and keep me in restraints so I don't do something dangerous in the throes of sheer rapture. Also, I don't care if he gives me my Disaster Area record back! And that goes double for what's-her-face! Absolute Zero, 2. ----------------- The temperature of 0 degrees Kelvin, at which all particle movement ceases. The most interesting thing about 0 degrees Kelvin is that all music played at this temperature closely resembles one song from an obscure planet named "Earth." [see Earth] The song is called "I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got" and the songwriter is known as Sin Eadoconner for arcane reasons which seem related to severe hair loss. A temperature actually colder than 0 degrees Kelvin has been discovered in the Movie Megatheathers of the Summer Planet of Thur. There, the mean temperature is -7 degrees Kelvin. Interestingly, all music in the Movie Megatheaters of the Summer Planet of Thur sounds like an extended dance mix of "I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got" by Sin Eadoconner. The popularity of the Movie Megatheaters has declined rapidly in recent years.