This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
Death
-----
Death is a common condition commonly occurring after life. It is typically
looked on as a "bad" thing, except in the rare cultures along the northern
rim of the eastern arch of the southernmost spiral of the galaxy, where
they look up death as a good thing. These cultures look upon death as a
good thing, because, unlike most other lifeforms, they lack the "block-out"
sector of the brain. The "block-out" sector of the brain protects the
consciousness from realizing that life is a cruel meaningless existence in
which one is subjected to torture after torture and then, finally, after
years and years of pure hell, is finally granted rest. There is an
uncommonly high suicide rate in the rare cultures along the northern rim of
the eastern arch of the southernmost spiral of the galaxy.
Death as a "Bad" Thing
----------------------
For all other cultures, death is universally condemned. It has been
rejected for years, but surprisingly all the "SAY NO TO DEATH" protest
marches and the "HECK NO, WE WON'T DIE" sit-ins have done little to stop it.
Today we tuck it into that mysterious area of the brain called the WAITS.
WAITS stands for the "Worry About It Later Sector."
What to Do if You Meet Up with the Grim Reaper
----------------------------------------------
For the first time ever, here is a guide of what to do if, perchance, you
meet up with old Grimsey himself:
1) Nothing.
Here is a list of warning signs that "gee, I might be dead." If you see:
a) A man wielding a scythe wearing unfashionable black clothes
b) a swirling tunnel of bright light, or
c) the ghost of your father moaning in a spooky voice, "Remember
the years of hell you put me through, you miserable brat?
Well, its payback time, bucko."
If you see any of these, you can pretty much assume that you're, to quote
the now common phrase, "...dead as a tri-paralleled circuit conduit running
through the motion activated doorknob of an electronically opening door on
a starship with a GPP (Genuine People Personality)."
The Afterlife
-------------
There are many ideas as to what lies in the great hereafter. Some say it
is a heavenly paradise, cleverly named "Heaven." Others say it is a fiery
inferno in which our souls burn in agony, with the pain increasing from
moment to moment... this living hell has cleverly been named "Hell." It
seems like every religion has a different idea about what lies beyond death.
Much research has been done looking into the existence of an afterlife.
Unfortunately, not much information can be ascertained without actually
dying. Since many of today's sissy, nampy-pampy wimp scientists seem
unwilling to do this, death and the afterlife may forever be an eternal
mystery.