This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
Haagen Dazs Day: the one opportunity of the year that lets one celebrate
absolutely anything for absolutely no reason. Occurring concurrently with
the Ides of January (15 January), it has a deep and rich history
involving the fate of nations, historic battles, and an unsuspecting
Waffle House.
History
-------
Haagen Dazs Day is actually a celebration of Marvin the Musty Munchkin
and his defeat of the German Moondoggie Riders using only a Stick each of
Salami and Swiss Cheese of the type without those little holes in it,
circa 18-something-or-other AD, in Northern France and Germany, Earth,
which he was able to foresee using the Magical Hot-Dog-O-Power and his
Shoelace of Wisdom.
The decision to make a holiday of this joyous event came about around
March of 1993, during a lull in the lecture of a class in World (Earth)
History class at Columbus High School, Columbus, Mississippi, United
States, Earth. The first celebration, nearly a year later, was a
monumental undertaking, involving a large population of the Mississippi
School for Math and Science, also in Columbus, Mississippi, United States,
Earth.
The fact the Mississippi School for Math and Science is a boarding
school made for some interesting opportunities for the first Haagen Dazs
Day. It was marked, in an unforeseen precedent, by an entire week of
preparatory partying, most of which involved large quantities of sugar
and mindless silliness. On the 15th, then, a large group of students
march on foot to the nearest Waffle House, nearly a mile and a half away
from the school campus, wearing brightly colored togas, and chanting in a
Southern dialect, where a great time and much sugar was had by all.
Traditions
----------
It is customary for the Head Honcho to find and consecrate a salami to
represent the Sacred Salami Stick. In addition, the Head Honcho must
also keep the Magical Hot-Dog-O-Power, and the Shoelace of Wisdom, which
must be at aged at least 3 years. On Haagen Dazs Eve, or 'Da've for
short, the ceremonies are held for the consecration of the Sacred Salami
Stick, Magical Hot-Dog-O-Power, and the Shoelace of Wisdom, usually by
Whapping each member of the congregation participating in the next days
many Parties and Opportunities To Make a Fool of Ones Self with the
frozen forms of said items. Hard Whaps.
After much delirious and meaningless Chanting, in whatever language is
available (preferably something foreign or even better, classical)
everyone goes about their business. The main point of all the ceremony
attached to Haagen Dazs Day is really to publicly humiliate not only
those present for the ceremony, but also those innocent bystanders
wondering why there is a bonfire in the middle of the street. The next
day is strictly for partying; the preferred location for such parties is
the ever-famous Waffle House. However, if none are to be found in ones
locale, then whatever is there will do nicely. All travel is done on
foot while wearing togas, or anything socially frightening like
polyester leisure suits or swimming suits (it /is/ January, yes?). Also,
Monty Python and the Holy Grail must be shown at least once that day,
and when not chanting, one should speak in either a British or Southern
(US) accent.
Consumables
-----------
As to food and drink, alcohol is not the norm. Sugar, is however,
consumed in vast quantities, and often, there are contests to see who
can turn their coffee into syrup first, by only adding sugar. After
that, another contest will usually follow, to see who can drink the
resulting coffee (syrup) without passing out. Honestly. It is entirely
possible for three to four people to use and consume over a pound of
sugar.
Also, as this usually takes place in a Waffle House, many (many) waffles
are eaten as well. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD THE SACRED SALAMI
STICK, THE MAGICAL HOT DOG-O-POWER, OR THE SHOELACE OF WISDOM EVER
BE
EATEN!! They are to be kept for next year, wherever is convenient;
the Shoelace of Wisdom may continue its previous career on ones shoe,
however.
Questions, comments, lewd remarks, ideas, and such should be sent to
dgoodman@sparc.msms.doe.k12.ms.us
All flames will be redirected to /dev/null.
Have fun!