This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
The first thing to note is that if anyone ever discovers what universe
Wolverhampton is the centre of, RUN. Stories of Wolverhampton are many and
varied. Not ALL of these are true, but it is fair to say that only the
good ones should be ignored. One of these stories includes a mention by
the unknown author, Douglas N. Adams [1].
Geographically, it is located fairly close to Birmingham, and not really
that close to anywhere else of interest. This is not to say that
Birmingham is interesting, but that is another story. It is also, rather
disturbingly, in the West Midlands shire of the UK.
To the casual observer, these facts may not seem too disturbing, but to
the more wary, or seasoned hitchhiker, they will mean one thing:, the West
Midlands accent. This excuse for a means of communication is so rough, and
difficult to understand that even babel fish (if they were to exist) would
be stumped as to their meaning. They have been known to cause huge queues
of people, waiting to be served at bars, while the bartender attempts to
discover what a GeyaennTunic is.
Depending on the time of year, the population fluctuates wildly. This can
almost immediately be blamed on the fact that the local university plays
host to some 18 thousand students. These of course all leave as soon as it
becomes apparent that nothing is to be learned, either because of reasons
beyond comprehension, or because of holidays. For some reason however,
every year, when term resumes, they return. During these empty periods
however, the town becomes akin to a morgue. The nightlife simmers down to
a mere bubble, and many of the nightclubs close. You have been warned.
The situation when the students take up residence however is totally
different. Many clubs are available, mostly to serve the every need of the
rather inebriated student. Some of these are listed here.
The Web
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Could also be termed the "Firetrap." Two kinds of people attend this
particular gathering: first year students that don't know any better, and
seasoned students that know where the fire exits are. Other than that,
quite nice.
Fatty Arbuckles
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Named after a Hollywood star of old, this place is almost the complete
nemesis of the Web. All sorts of people attend and enjoy complete
segregation due to the large area the club takes up.
The Dorchester
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A once semi-respectable club that took to the idea of aiming at students.
Since this, they have decided that the height of fashion would be to
invite Danni Minogue to perform in front of selected victims, also known
as clients. Note to all straight hitchhikers: be careful which night
you attend due to the gay nights; on non-gay nights, beware of which
stairs you go down to get to the toilets - the club often does mixed
student/gay club nights.
There are several other clubs in Wolverhampton, but many of them change
name/management way too often to keep track of. The usual method of
deciding which club to go to is to throw a stone along the ground and go
to whatever club flyer the stone lands on.
The selection of pubs is wide and varied. It is difficult to recommend
any however, as they have a bad habit of completely changing style overnight
to compensate for bad profits the night before. A good guide is to check
the occupants for tatoos on their necks, if found, with such words as punks
or skins on them - leave the building immediately. One exception to this
rule is the Posada, which is a thoroughly welcoming pub.
Honourable mention also goes to this author's favourite pub in the UK.
This pub is called the Newhampton, and is situated some 20 minutes walk
away from the centre. If you visit the town, go there.
[1] If anyone happens to know where he mentions it, please mail me! I
think it was on a right hand page of a paperback copy.