This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
A strange phenomenon among the older inhabitants of Earth is the
propensity to occupy something called "Nursing Homes." Nursing Homes
are large collections of older people packed into a small area with
lots of strange things. For the hitchhiker the most important things
to remember about Nursing Homes are:
1) Never inhale; breathe through your towel. Medical science
has yet to identify half of the odors you can find in a
nursing home. Many of the strange odors come from liquids
that could eat through a foot-thick lead wall in a matter
of seconds. It is suggested that you also take along some
industrial quality air freshener.
2) Look purposeful. If you don't want to be stopped as a
nurse or doctor, don't ask for it. Smile a little as you
pass people, don't stand in one spot for more time than you
have to, and never look like you're lost.
3) Don't get roped into conversations with the locals. The
last thing you want is to be stuck listening to someone old
enough to have parented the entire Russian empire telling you
about their great-grandkids.
However, there is a small exception to this rule: there are
some people in nursing homes that can be very helpful. You
never know what someone might have done before they succumbed
to old age.
4) Try not to touch anything metallic. The floors of many
nursing homes are covered with a special form of carpet (most
of which is brown). This carpet has the ability to build up
static faster than a balloon rubbed against a blonde's head.
Touching metal after walking even a few feet across this
carpet could cause severe bodily harm.
5) Use the stairs as much as possible. Normally if you step
into a elevator, item #3 (above) will probably result,
and to get an elevator, you will probably have to do item
#4, and you look much more #2 if you walk down a stairway.
6) If possible, carry a clipboard; this will add to your ability
to do as you wish without being questioned. Act like you're
inspecting the pipes, make up a name of a safety requirement,
or whatever.
If you pay attention to the above guidelines, you will have a much better
probability of surviving a visit to a Nursing Home. I wouldn't suggest
it, but hey, it's your life.