Modems

Those Little Critters With Four Tails And Many Lighted Eyes

This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"

Modems, or "Modulator/Demodulators," are little box-shaped critters with
numerous buttons, lighted eyes, and tails.  They suckle your computer and
power lines, and communicate via your telephone wire.  Their most common
pastime is corrupting important data, and calling it "line noise."  You can
communicate with them via a fat cable coming out of a wide thingie with
multiple holes if you plug a computer into the other end of the fat cable.
The commands it understands include:

          AT                -- Good morning.  Your food is on it's way.
          ATDT              -- Connect to remote computer and start
                               garbling data.
          ATH               -- Stop talking to remote computer, and
                               prepare to garble more data.
          ATA               -- Answer remote computer and garble data.
          ATI               -- Return factor of garbling data.
          ATSASOIFAWETNAIGH -- Accept pre-garbled data

It is advisable not to bother a modem if it is showing these signs:

          1) Unusually wide midsection
          2) Frequent late-night phone calls
          3) Cravings for certain kinds of data, like SALT scripts
          4) Crabbiness

If you observe those symptoms, you have a pregnant modem.  Refer it to
your modem dealer.