This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
Hitchhiking around the globe, seeing all types of people, you may be so
exhausted that you want to recognize ultra-cool froods without bothering
to go into all the rituals of getting acquainted first. As it happens to
be that all Project Galactic Guide Field Researchers and all sympathizing
hitchhikers fall into that category, here's a few tips to spot them.
Appearance/Clothing
-------------------
When a Field Researcher (FR) walks around you will immediately recognize
him [1]. For no reason at all, almost all of his clothes are black. This
has nothing to do with Heavy Metal. The first thing you will notice is the
handy black trenchcoat and the black baseball cap with the PGG logo on it,
and a PGG business/press card attached. He also wears a black high quality
PGG t-shirt underneath, and black (or blue) jeans. Also very important is
a good, comfortable pair of waterproof hiking shoes for the times when
there is no other transportation, or when you have to walk through lakes of
piss at railway stations etc.
You are also sure to notice a suspicious bulge at his side - it's a highly
dangerous jellyfish in its holster. The black sunglasses that the FR wares
round off his sinister outlook (just to put people off balance). Oh, yes,
and of course there is also the black satchel. This satchel is strapped to
the back (a backpack thus), giving maximum mobility in case a nasty
situation should arise (the creation of which some hitchhikers are very
good at).
Tools
-----
In the backpack are the tools of the FR. These are a towel, numerous
plastic bags, lumber, four feet of dental floss, a watch (for finding the
north, but then again, who cares to know, so just forget it), a camera,
some string (rpg), a bathing suit (or not, if you prefer that), monopoly
money in different currencies, a pillowcase, PGG business cards, a water
bottle (water is medicine for everything), matches, bathroom stuff, decks
of cards, Paul's action figurine for the lonely nights, mosquito repellant,
and a mouth organ or a didgeredoo.
The lucky or rich FR also carries a hammock with him, together with a large
sheet of plastic (or a towel) and a mosquito net. This way you are able to
sleep everywhere you want! A hammock is especially comfortable on ships.
Remember to purchase an original one, not one of those western-world ones
with sticks at the ends.
Don't expect to find any cards or expense bills on the FR, because there
still isn't a friendly millionaire or company financing this project. Yet.
The vacancy is still open. Every FR pays for everything he does himself,
just like every other hitchhiker.
But the most important tools of the FR are in the inside pocket of his
coat: his bic pen and notebook, or sometimes even a laptop, although I fail
to see how they can get the money for something like that. In this
notebook you will find the pages almost completely scribbled full of
unreadable gibberish: The Notes about the places the FR has been, and
The Thoughts he has had. A FR can go walking around naked; as long as he
has this stuff with him, it doesn't matter.
Besides his tools, the FR also has things with him related to eating.
There is food: a lunchbox with sandwiches, a watermelon, a mars bar,
cookies, teabags, a ham, aspirin. There are also inedible items which make
eating a lot easier: a can opener, a spoon, a widget for opening soda cans
in space, and a PGG mug.
Other Things
------------
As the FRs are the most hoopy froods around, you won't notice their extreme
egos before it's too late (dang, you like them already!).
The most common meal of the FR is pizza. All similarities with the Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles end at this point: the PGGFR has Internet access. I
mean, I still haven't seen any Leonardos or Donatellos around yet.
As far as handicaps are concerned, hitchhikers can miss a lot of limbs,
as long as he has at least one thumb. FRs have to have at least one hand
to write with. FRs with laptops only need to have one finger.
Final Words
-----------
This is all theory. In reality you will never be able to recognize a
Field Researcher, because although his brains are severely meddled up, he
looks inconspicuously normal. (Also the t-shirt and related items haven't
been produced yet.) Too bad. But it's for the better, because this way
a FR will be able to do his research without being influenced by all the
store, cafe, bar, hotel, and airport owners who'll do anything to promote
their products. And face it, there are as yet not enough Field Researchers
around to give a significant probability to encountering one by chance.
P.S. Do you know those television series where once in a while the program
makers get lazy and make a program which is a patchwork of some previous
episodes or programs? Do you get the same feeling here?
[1] I wrote this article assuming the FR is a man, because including all
the alternatives (woman, mouse, etc.) would take up too much space. I
have the impression most FRs are male, so I feel justified by that.
I'm sorry if anyone disagrees with that. To make it up I promise to
write another article with a woman or a mouse or other as the subject.