This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
When you are hitchhiking you do not work, and because as guide researcher
you do not get expenses, you have no money to spend. How the hell will you
survive? One of the answers is to find a temporary job at the place you
are visiting at the moment. After you have seen enough of this place
you quit your job and leave. But what other jobs are available?
One popular job is to became a waiter. It looks so easy and therefore many
people try it. However they don't know that being a waiter pays lousy.
As a waiter you must get all your money from tips. But getting tips is
quite a challenge. I shall give you some hints about getting lots of tips
by saying which things you better not do.
1) If you are working during a party, like a wedding, don't even
think about (accidentally) throwing a lot of black coffee on
the wedding dress. The bride, your boss, and all the other
people right there will not be pleased and you can kiss your
tips goodbye.
2) During a party, any party with a lot of dressed-up people, you
have to serve red and white wine. If you want to get lots of
tips don't drop a bottle of red wine (or white, it doesn't
really matter) on the floor. The guests will think they are
in a swimming pool and not in a nice restaurant. Also your
boss is not to happy about it and he (or she) will make you
clean up the mess.
3) Do not put a pen in your trouser pocket. Because of the heat
in your pocket the ink will flow right out of the pen and
every thing will be blue inside your pocket. This is not a
big problem so long you do not put your hand in your pocket.
Your hand will be as blue as it can be. Because you don't
notice it right away you go ahead serving the people, making
everything very blue. I don't think you will receive many
tips after serving blue things.
4) The same is of course true for a green pen.
5) And a black pen.
6) A red pen will be even more dangerous. If they leaked ink
on your hands and you touch something, everybody will think
it's blood. If you touch your face they'll think you're
bleeding, they will call a doctor or drive you to the hospital.
But finally they realize you have faked it and you are likely
to get fired without your tips.
7) I know you think: "Why not use a pencil?" Good question, but
the answer is NO. After you have written down something in
your notebook you are going to get it. It's likely the
notebook will get wet during the process of filling all the
glasses with liquid. After the notebook is wet the text is
hardly readable and you have to go to the people and ask their
order again. They will think you have a bad memory or are
very stupid. In both cases they will not give you a tip.
8) A pen has got a similar problem. The ink will dissolve in the
liquid and will be difficult to read. But I advise you to use
a pen instead of a pencil because a pencil can be very
dangerous to your, and somebody else's, health. When writing
with a pencil the lead can break, because you push very hard
to make the text visible. The point will fly through the air
and it will (accidentally, of course) enter someone's eye or,
even worse, your eye. In both cases you will not receive any
tips today. In the first case you are blamed for the
accident and in the second you will not be around to collect
any tips.
9) Enough about writing equipment. There are lots of other
thing you should not do while imitating a waiter. Such as not
drinking, smoking, or eating while you serve people. It will
appear very indecent and they will not give you any tip.
Eating, drinking (no alcohol), and smoking can be done in the
kitchen where nobody can see you.
10) You must dress yourself decently, or else the tips will be
very low.
11) If you want to throw drinks and food you must search an old
black and white movie. For every thing you throw or drop you
get fewer and fewer tips.
12) Be always nice to people. Remember: the customer is always
right. The more you kiss asses the more tips you'll receive.
But don't go to far. Have your pride. If someone slashes
you in the face, kill him. But if someone with high-heels
stands (accidentally? That is always the question) on your
toes keep on smiling and run to the kitchen to scream and
curse about that person.
13) If you are a man you must shave before you go imitating a
waiter, otherwise the people think you are a tramp and you
will frighten them. They will not give you any tip. However,
there might be a few people who will give you tips. They
think you can't afford a razor and feel sorry for you.
14) Put your hair in place. Don't paint them in the colours of
the rainbow. Don't shave it of, because you'll look like a
skin-head. If however you are bald, don't implant hair.
15) Keep on smiling - it will look nice. Unless you serve at a
funeral and in that case don't smile.
16) If you must light the candles on the tables or you must
replace the old ones by new ones, put them on the table and
then light them. Do not light them at the bar and walk with
burning candles. You wouldn't be the first one who didn't
only light the candles but also the restaurant and the people
in it. Needless to say you will not receive any tips that
day.
17) When you serve food be ware of the following things:
a. Don't drop any meat on somebody. It is difficult to remove
the dirt.
b. Soup. When you serve soup use something to protect your
hands against the heat. I've seen terrible burns on the
waiters and on the customers. If you can't reach the table
in time, drop the soup. It's better to drop it then to
burn someone. (This is a rare moment. You may drop
something.)
c. Also for hot dishes with vegetables.
d. When you flambe' ice cream, stand away and let nobody
near it while it's burning. You wouldn't be the first to
lose all your hair in an instant or get sued.
18) When you take the coat of someone and hang it up on the coat
rack, don't drop the coat while the people are still around
to see it. When they can't see, you can do with it what you
want.
19) Brush your teeth before working. You will not get one tip
when you have a bad breath.
20) Don't eat any food before you go to work which make you
windy, like onions or beans. The customers don't appreciate
such things.
If you follow all that I wrote down you are likely to get tips. How much
your tips are depends on who you are serving. Some people give lots of tips
(like elderly people); others give no tip at all (the young dudes). So you
must not only be decent, but also lucky to receive many tips.
I recommend you think twice before you are stupid enough to accept a job
as a waiter. You have to be nice to everybody without knowing if it will
pay off. And the worst is yet to come: terrible things can happen while
you imitate a waiter and there is nothing you can do about it. But this
is for a next article.