This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
It is a wide-spread misunderstanding that danish guys are tall, blond, blue-eyed dudes, eventually running around wearing silly hats that make them look like cows. The truth is, most of us are tall, fat, dark-haired, and very evil, jealous men running around without looking the slightest bit like cows (chimpanzees, pit bulls, hippos, and perhaps even sheep, but DEFINITELY not cows.) The message from the above should be clear: You are very welcome to come over here, and look at our fabulous attractions... as long as those attractions include the Tivoli (which isn't as large as Disneyland), the Little Mermaid (which is a silly little bronze figure sitting on a stone) and of course danish pastry (which in Denmark is called Wienerbrod, meaning "bread from Vienna," which is actually rather silly since people in Vienna have never heard of it), but definitely excluding the danish girls... at least the good-looking ones. And, by the way, they are not really as easy as some of you might have heard, and they are not all blond either. In Denmark we have made it a tradition not to pick up hitchhikers. Of course, there might be disloyal, anti-social, or even American drivers out there actually picking up hitchhikers once in a while, but the general attitude is "If you don't want to pay for a ticket, you can bloody well walk!" Actually, a lot of danes would rather have the tourists land in the airport, hand over all the money, and then leave ASAP. Unfortunately most tourists don't like that idea. And, speaking of airports, if you are some sort of official guest, you will probably be received by someone from the press, asking how you like Denmark so far. Do not say: "It looks a lot like an airport" or "Well, you have a lot of planes" or something along those lines. It is much better to say: "Werry werry nice. Werry goot." And you really SHOULD use that silly accent, since most danes prefer to think that anyone from another country speaks english mostly like some guy from India. And if someone starts beating you up, smile. It's our way of saying "Welcome!" So now you should know everything you need to know about Denmark and danes... Please send me all your money, and bloody well stay home.