This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
Norway. The small country which nobody seems to know where it is, and
everybody claims is a threat to the environment, wars, and anything that's
fun. Well, if you should ever by accident land there, you will notice that
it's quite cold. Unless you should get here in the summer when it's
accidently warm and the sun is accidently shining from a clear blue sky.
If you want to be reasonably sure that you get fine weather, land here on
working days between 9.00 AM and 15.00 PM, local time. Then everybody is
working, and nobody can enjoy the fine weather. Don't ask me why, but it
works.
Norway is renown for its fjords, mountains, friendly people, and
unpopular political statements. If you ever get in touch with one of the
natives, do not, repeat: DO NOT say you're a vegetarian. This is about
the worst insult you can come up with. If you should accidently BE a
vegetarian, hurry to insist on Norway's right to whaling, sealing, and
fishing. Otherwise, you'll probably end up in a seriously threatening
discussion on why you foreigners always come around and tell good people
how they should live their lives, even though you haven't.
Norwegians are known to be friendly, apart from the previously mentioned
episodes, and you will probably enjoy your stay. BUT: DO NOT SAY THAT YOU
COME FROM ANOTHER PLANET. If you do, they will lock you up and claim that
you have lost some of your brain cells, which, of course, you haven't.
The food in Norway is very tasty. That is, apart from the local
specialties: rotten cheese, salmon and trout. It is not known how they
came up with this food, but according to some, they discovered it by
accident. Some party a few hundred years back had a lot of left-over
food. To get rid of it, they buried it in the backyard. Some hundred
years later, a hungry farmer dug it up again and ate it. If that doesn't
turn your stomach up-side down, nothing will. Maybe except the burger
they serve at the meal-stop between HDA226868 and the star system DD128
Beta.
Local drinks: Akevitt. It's taken from the latin words Aqua Vitae, which
means "water of life." After tasting it, you begin to have a slightly
ugly feeling that the name is a joke. It tastes something in between
urine and alcohol. You can't be too sure which of the two you taste the
most, and whether its just a taste. If you drink too much of it, you will
probably feel like shit anyway.
Norwegians are a very paranoid people. If you should by accident land
your ship in one of the fjords in an innocent attempt to fish and read the
Guide, you will probably be mistaken for a Russian submarine and towed
away, cross-examined, sent back to Russia where you didn't come from, and
have your space-vessel confiscated. In Russia you will probably be
mistaken for a Norwegian spy, arrested, and sent back to Norway, where you
will be jailed for illegal immigration. After a few months in jail, you
will be sent back to Russia, where you will be deported to Siberia where
you will spend the rest of your life freezing to death and working in the
coal mines.
Therefore, the following is a list of places where you are recommended to
land:
1) The middle of Oslo, the capitol of Norway. Everybody will
think you're an artist named Michael Jackson with a new face
made from plastic surgery, and will only run you down to get
your autograph. Remember to write MICHAEL JACKSON, not your
own name. That will cause a minor incident that will take
too long to describe.
2) In the sea. Camouflage your space vessel as a speedboat and
cruise in towards the shore. This will get you safe and
sound into Norway, and besides you will probably get a lot of
women on board. That is, if you haven't turned it into
something that looks like a cross between a bathtub and a
hippopotamus. The only thing you'll get then is the Royal
Norwegian Navy on your tails, mistaking you for a Russian
submarine. (See previously mentioned paranoia.)
3) Anywhere else. Get yourself a passport from another country
and come here as a tourist. Be sure to look like the people
from the country you get your passport from. Be sure not to
have a passport from a country which is at war.
This will lead to the mistake that you're seeking political
asylum and you will be placed in a small place far-off into
the woods where you will have to stay until they have decided
whether or not you should be granted an asylum. This mistake
can, of course, be avoided, if you explicitly claim that
you're here as a tourist.
Some general information:
Location: Earth. Not to be confused with other places on the probability
dimension. Coordinates 1+3.425i on the probability dimension
is correct. Somewhere the Earth turned out to be a banana
which was accidently eaten by a hungry monkey which had been
transferred to this location by some kids playing with their
dad's improbability machine Perrullion XB-4. The monkey died
soon after.
Norway had in this location been a poisonous bug which had
eaten its way into the banana. How the banana got there is a
totally different story.
Currency: Kroner. 1 kroner will buy you a small chewing gum or a good
laugh from the waiters in a restaurant.
Average temperature: 10 degrees Centigrade, which works out to be around
50 degrees Fahrenheit or 283 Kelvin.
Capitol: Oslo. (Excellent landing spot.)
How to avoid getting mugged: You don't get mugged. The laws on guns and
weapons are so strict that not even the police carry guns.
How to avoid getting beaten up: Don't tell you're a member of Greenpeace,
Sea Shepherd, Blitz, any martial arts club, or here to get
yourself a girl. The last one will probably lead to a severe
reduction of your reproductive abilities.
How to impress a girl: You can't. This trick may work some other places,
but not in Norway.
How to get here: By plane, boat, car, bus, bicycle, ski, foot or, if you
should not be from the Earth, a spacevessel not larger than
the mid-range Sebulo Spacetech Personal Starhopper XAP-1 or
similar.
What to bring:
1) Towel (goes without saying)
2) T-shirt saying "I love whaling"
3) T-shirt saying "I hate whaling" (In case you run into some
members of Greenpeace.)
4) Lots and lots of money
5) Umbrella
6) Good sense of humour