This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
Are you fed up with the local political machine? Are you tired of going to the same boring job every day? Is school getting you down? If you are suffering from any of these afflictions, this is for you! Making a thermonuclear device is quite simple. It can be done on a lazy summer weekend when there isn't much on television anyway. The only truly difficult part of building your bomb is obtaining the reaction mass. If you have access to weapons-grade plutonium you may skip the first step, which is: hijack a truck carrying nuclear fuel rods to the neighborhood nuclear power plant, hide the cargo of fuel rods in a safe place, and dispose of the truck. Next, you need to acquire a pound of plastic explosive. If you don't have any left over from your last armed insurgence, don't panic -- an acceptable substitute can be made right in your own kitchen. Melt 1-1/2 boxes of Ivory soap flakes in an iron saucepan. Stir in 2 lbs. of 0000 fine gunpowder. When this cools it will have the consistency of sticky Playdough. One word of caution: cook this mixture only on an electric stove. Using an open flame may cause it to detonate. Two other items you will need are an electrically detonated blasting cap and a dependable alarm watch. Having gathered all of the ingredients, you may now sit down to the business of building your bomb. Locating a machine shop where your clandestine work may be done is your next priority. Having done that you'll need to make a ten-inch diameter, hollow, steel sphere with a two-inch threaded hole. Now, cut a piece of two-inch pipe six inches long and thread both ends. The last part of the bomb casing is a threaded cap for the end of the pipe with a small hole drilled in it for the blasting cap. Making the reaction mass is very dangerous. You will undoubtedly get some form of radiation sickness. Start by grinding the fuel rods into a fine dust, being extraordinarily careful not to breathe any in. Inhalation of this dust WILL cause lung cancer. In a large plastic bowl, mix one pint of marine epoxy with half of the recommended amount of hardener. This will keep it pliable longer. Thoroughly mix the powdered uranium. Be sure to keep an even consistency. Scoop this reaction mass into the steel sphere keeping the threads clear and packing it down often. Air pockets will cause an inefficient chain reaction. If you have a centrifuge available it would be an effective tool for removing them. After allowing it to set for about 45 minutes, using a plastic knife, cut a conical wedge out of the reaction mass and allow both to set for 24 hours. While it's setting, you may wish to begin work on the detonator. Cap one end of the 6 inch pipe and weld the cap in place. Pack three inches of plastic explosive into the pipe. Insert the blasting cap into the plastic explosive via the hole in the cap and epoxy in place. Check the alarm setting on the watch to ensure that it is off. Remove the back of the watch and solder one wire to each of the alarm contacts. Then solder the other ends of the wires to the blasting cap leads. Using nonconductive tape, fasten the watch to the end of the pipe. After twenty-four hours have elapsed, slide the now hardened wedge of reaction mass into the open end of the pipe. Tighten the pipe into the threaded hole in the sphere and weld quickly in place. You are now the owner of your very own thermonuclear device. The rest is up to you. Find your target, plant the bomb, set the timer, leave the state, and watch the news from your hospital bed as you are treated for radiation poisoning.