This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
Across the known galaxy there are many varieties of food; so many in fact,
that the mighty computing centers of Zagulon Beta had this to say in their
report on the late great food-census:
"Wow. There really is a lot of this stuff."
Despite this huge variety of foods, there are but a few which have met
near-universal acceptance. The most common are foodstuffs based upon
hydrocarbons-with-an-attitude known as alcohols, including social
stimulants such as Gin and Tonic, inebriants such as beer, and genocidal
anti-nervous-system agents such as gold bricks wrapped in lemon.
The second most common group of foodstuffs are based upon a congealed
mammary fluid substance known as 'cheese'. Although the gourmet may be
better acquainted with Quail a la Orange or Chocolate Moose, the appetite
of the hitch-hiker is most often presented with simpler (cheaper) dishes
which have their basis in cheese.
The pinnacle of cheese technology, far above even the English cheese-flavored
sandwich, the Swiss cheese-flavored fondue, and the French cheese-flavored
cheese, is the Italian Pizza. Totally aside from being an awesome example
of Earth-originated food, this is a technological marvel in its own right,
having been invented during a period of unusually high technological
achievement known as the 'Dark Ages', though it is thought that fore-runners
of the modern day pizza were eaten by club-wielding Neanderthals during
the great pack-rat exodus of Three million BC.
A common method of serving normal meals is on a device known as a plate.
The pizza does away with this, however, by building an edible plate
substructure into the food itself. This pizza base is a type of pastry- or
bread-like stuff made of a special type of dough called 'pizza dough'.
On top of this base, a tomato sauce is spread, for flavor, and in memory of
all the brave tomatoes that have died to perpetuate the great pizza
tradition. This is covered with a variety of toppings which include olives
(hard green and black things that taste like olives, only saltier),
cabanossi (sausage), pepperoni (sausage), capsicum (the green stuff that you
pick off the pizza and drop into the box), mushrooms (ribbed fungi), sliced
tomatoes (brave, self-sacrificing vegetables), ham (dead pig), and other
delicious substances. Some tropical-island natives and an odd German chap
have also been known to add pineapple, but this usually serves to make the
pizza taste as though it has pineapple in it, so is not recommended.
Once all these ingredients have been added, in generous handfuls, to the
base, they are covered by a huge pile of specially grated cheese, and then
fused together in a pizza oven at extremely high temperatures. The disc-
shaped result is then cut into a number of triangular segments which is never
divisible by the number of people who will eat the pizza, and placed into
a cardboard delivery package called a 'pizza box'.
Pizza should not be eaten within three minutes of removal from the oven,
unless you are a masochist, in which case, you will enjoy the blisters on
your tongue which typically last for several agonizing days. Pizza should
not be left for more than eight minutes after removal from the oven, lest
it degrade to too cool a temperature. Pizza is hoopy only when served hot,
so that it is almost impossible to separate the portion of a slice in your
mouth from the portion outside your mouth by merely biting at the cheese.
Never block the air hole of the pizza box with your hands, as this results
in several undesirable effects:
1) A portion of your hand will become painfully hot, and you may
be scarred for life
2) The aroma of the pizza will be trapped inside the box, so you
won't be able to enjoy it
3) The pizza won't be able to breathe, and may suffocate to death.
The best Pizzas in the universe are to be found at their point of invention,
Italy, Earth. However, in a few isolated regions of the galaxy, Italian
nationals have managed to squeeze their 'pizzerias' between fast food
joints and liquor shops, to bring the taste of Hot Pizza (TM) to their
esteemed clients. Interestingly, the most successful appear to be those
which lie directly between a university and a liquor shop.
In times of dire hunger, the hitchhiker may be forced to eat pizza from
franchises known as Pizza Hut. On the pizza scale, Pizza Hut usually rates
at about four or five out of ten, which is entirely edible. However, for a
really, really good pizza, you are directed to travel either to Italy, or to
Mission Bay, Auckland, New Zealand, to a little place called 'Mamma Mias'.
Mamma Mias lies between the University of Auckland and a liquor shop -- it
is somewhat distant (ten minutes in a car, five minutes in a student car)
from the University, but the trip is worth it, especially during Stage Four
Data Communications lectures [1].
Mamma Mias pizzas have never been known to rate less than seven out of ten,
and average an 8.7. A pizza rating higher than 9.2 has not yet been
discovered.
On the cardboard delivery containers is the legend "Caution: These pizzas
can be habit forming." Do not take this warning lightly! There are known
to be literally dozens of cases of complete pizza-junkies from the University
of Auckland, with cholesterol levels so high that they practically have
cheese for blood. But they are very delicious pizzas.
In the fine tradition of real pizza shops, while you stand around waiting for
your pizza to cook, you can listen to the dulcet tones of your host insulting
his staff in Italian, and inhale the delicate aroma of pizza wafting past on
the unconditioned, stuffy air. This place has authentic ambience.
Once you have your pizza, you can go outside, watch as yuppies try to avoid
getting blood all over the bonnet of their BMW as you wander aimlessly
across the road, and enjoy your pizza on the picturesque concrete wall
which stops Mission Bay beach from moving a kilometer inland.
[ Aside: In its defense, there is a nice view of Auckland Harbour and
occasionally people being eaten by sharks, and at night the fountain
(when operational) gets lit up with pretty colored lights. Also, hours
of fun can be generated by drinking a local alcoholic substance known
as 'Purple Death', and pretending to throw food to the seagulls, which are
so stupid that they go for it every time.]
Oh, and a final warning: If a student from Auckland University ever says to
you, "Wanna go for a quick pizza?", make sure that you have at least two
(preferably three) hours available in which to do so before you answer "Yes."
See you there!
[1] For reasons undiscovered, the author's final grade for this paper was
somewhat disappointing, but heck, I passed, so who cares?