This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
If, as a hitchhiker, you should ever find yourself in Kansas City, the first thing you should do is find out what state you are in. That is because there are two Kansas Cities -- one in Kansas, and one in Missouri. What makes this even more confusing is that both Kansas Cities are located in more or less the same place, right across the river from each other. If you find out that you are in Missouri, leave (this holds true for other cities in Missouri as well). In case you are delayed in the process of fleeing Missouri, however, some words on Kansas City, Missouri (KC MO for short) are in order. The first thing to keep in mind when you are in KC MO is that the contrasts between different areas of the city are extremely sharp. That is to say, you could be browsing through a store where a pair of socks cost more than most people's wardrobes, walk two blocks, and find yourself in the Bronx. Thus, the key to survival in KC MO is this: don't move. If where you are standing seems to be devoid of any immediate danger, stay there until a native can direct you to the interstate. Some of the more pleasant areas of KC MO can be enjoyable while you are waiting for your National Guard escort. The Plaza area, famous for its exclusive shops, can be especially fun for those with a well-developed sense of humor. Aside from the obligatory clothes-that-must-be-must- bestow-eternal-life-to-cost-that-much stores, there are many nice restaurants, which are kind enough to post their menus outside so people can see ahead of time that air costs ten dollars a breath, with oxygen being five dollars extra. For people with rare-Earth credit ratings, the food in these places is reputed to be incredible, but actual reviews of the food are rare, as the local newspapers could send a reporter on assignment to Alpha Centauri cheaper than they could buy him a meal at one. Another interesting feature of the Plaza is the preponderance of private security guards roaming around. These are not the same as mall security, the main function of which is to show people that mall food is in fact edible. Plaza security carry guns, and are generally only slightly friendlier than a rabid polar bear. They almost always appear to be on the verge of shooting someone, which makes sense when you consider that they are effectively guarding a Ralph Lauren store in the middle of Lebanon. It is also generally unadvisable to even look at an armored car in the Plaza, as they have been specially modified to mount a recoilless rifle on the roof. Another reasonably safe and amusing area of KC MO is known as the Crown Center. Where Plaza stores are expensive, Crown Center stores are, well, specific. They have entire stores devoted to socks. Just socks. Not shoes, not accessories, just socks. They also have a knack for selling things that most people were unaware that they could buy, such as designer gravel for five dollars a pound. A final note: KC MO, is by definition, in Missouri. This means that the weather will be largely incapable of supporting human life. Between March and September, it will be hot enough to denature most proteins in about ten minutes. Coupled with the omnipresent humidity, the weather is about the same as that on Venus, only the air is worse. In fact, cases have been documented where people actually exploded from the extreme temperature gradient between the stores and the outside environment.