Alien Elimination

Some Helpful Hints On How To Eliminate Hostile Aliens

by Tomi Suviola (tokrsu@jyu.fi)
written 19 Jan 1993

This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"


When you meet hostile aliens, you should probably want to eliminate them
before the whole Earth is covered.  First you have to be (almost) sure it
is an alien you are going to deactivate (see "Alien Identification").
Here are some proven methods for exterminating aliens:

         1) Bare fists are in most cases too weak a weapon, unless you are
            a Cyborg.  But in emergency situations they may be the only
            useful way.

         2) Sticks of wood, or some kind of staff, are quite good in close
            combat.  These objects can be found in a local forest.

         3) The most effective close combat weapon is a club or baseball bat.
            Softer aliens may perish while you smash it with a club.  But if
            the alien is armored, you better run.

         4) The best weapon that a normal human can use is some kind of hand
            gun.  For example, a .44 Magnum is likely enough to stop most
            lightly-armored humanlike aliens.

         5) Against groups of aliens, hand grenades are quite good; they
            may not kill them, but should at least injure them.  Some of
            them may only be frightened, but then you have got some time
            to run away.

Eliminating is not always killing.  You may capture and torture the alien,
so it may promise not to come Earth again (if it survived torturing).

If you feel too weak to eliminate an alien, try to find some group powerful
enough to do it for you (and Earth).

Maybe the best solution is to make peace with the aliens instead.

See also:
  • Alien Identification
  • Exterminating Human-Kind
  • Bad Taste
  • Incident At Roswell, The
  • Alien Invasions, How To Fake
  • Alien Invasion, The Likelihood Of

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