This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
First, let's define what a watermelon is. Er... no, let's first define
what a watermelon is not. It is not water, nor is it a melon.
Well, actually, it *is* a melon, but admitting that would screw up
the parallel structure... so let's just agree that its not water or a
melon, OK? From there, let's talk about what it is... it's
well... now, I can't say it's a melon, can I? I just told you that
it's not, and we can't have a watermelon being both a melon and a
non-melon, can we? Hmm. OK, a watermelon is this big green
egg-shaped sort of thing, you see? No? OK, picture a dry, red,
dusty rock about the size of your eyeball. A watermelon is almost,
but not quite, exactly unlike that rock.
Interestingly enough, watermelons are known to exist on only two
planets in the known universe: Zylo XII, and, er... Earth. Even
more oddly, members of the dominant species of each planet have been
observed participating in the same ritualistic use of watermelons.
First, let's highlight the similarities between the two rituals:
The rite involves "liberating" a watermelon, climbing to a high
place, saying some words, then throwing the watermelon off the
high place.
Some have raised the objection that these are merely superficial
resemblances, and that the rituals are actually totally different and
unrelated. These specific (O)bjections are (R)efuted below:
O1. Zylo XII watermelons are totally unlike Earth watermelons.
R1. While it may be true that Zylo XII watermelons are
actually eggs of carnivorous treeworms, and Earth watermelons
are a kind of fruit, there remains many other similarities that
conclusively prove that they are more or less the same thing.
O2. On Zylo XII, the natives steal the watermelons from the nest of
treeworms; on Earth there are no treeworms. What gives?
R2. While, technically speaking, there are no treeworms on
Earth, this is hardly the fault of the Earth natives, is it?
Under the unfortunate circumstances, they do the best they can
and liberate their watermelons from the basements of college
dining halls. Given the context, it's really more or less the
same thing.
O3. On Zylo XII, the watermelon is thrown from the summit
of the Mountain of the Arrogant Sky Watcher. There's no such
mountain on Earth; explain that one away!
R3. True, there is no MotASW on Earth. Once again, it is a
matter of understanding the context, and adjusting
accordingly. On Earth, the watermelons are thrown from Cornell
University's Space Sciences building (alleged home of alleged
astronomer Carl Sagan). Follow?
O4. On Zylo XII, the natives chant for three days, celebrating
the hunting prowess of their ancestors before they hurl the
watermelon, after which they are declared full adult members
of the tribe. Surely this doesn't happen on Earth?
R4. Um...yes, that's how it works on Earth too.