This article is classified "Real"
There are many good things I could write about Bradford. I could write
paragraphs about it's contributions to British culture and society, wax
lyrical about the friendliness of it's inhabitants and the beauty of the
architecture. I could do so, but, as anyone who has ever been there can
tell you, I would be lying through my teeth.
There are those who say that Bradford is the last place God made, and I
would like to distance myself from such radicals immediately. While it is
obvious that God Himself (or, to be fair, Herself) directly intervened in
the development of other Yorkshire cities, such as York and certain parts of
Leeds, I fear that no divinity worth His (or Her) salt would go anywhere
near the place [1] - which leaves us with the Devil Himself [2] in charge of
the place.
The town itself can be found lurking on a number of hills in central
Yorkshire. As anyone who has ever spent any time in the city will tell you,
due to some topological quirk of the local geography, in order to get from
any one place to any other, it will be necessary to walk uphill.
The town centre shows signs of having been moderately pleasant at some
distant point in the past, but these days the developers have moved in -
the beautiful Victorian buildings which might have brought some cheer to
the dank streets are long gone, having been replaced in the 60's with the
sort of architectural monstrosities that people at that time thought were
"exciting" and "modern." Those shells which survived the "renovation" are
covered with fine wire mesh, either to stop passer-byes appreciating them,
or, more likely, to make sure they don't collapse into the street from
shame.
The University, by the way, is placed at the top of a hill (as if I should
have to say), and it can be seen across most of the city. Can it be mere
coincidence that the University also boasts three contenders for "Britain's
Ugliest Building?" The Richmond Street building would disfigure even a
carbuncle.
And so we come to weather. It is actually possible to tell natives of
Bradford anywhere in the world. They are the ones dressed in waterproofs
in midsummer. In Bradford, you dress for rain, because you know, no matter
how clear the sky, sooner or later, the heavens will open. In fact, the
only time in the year that you can guarantee it won't rain is winter, and
that's because the snow doesn't let up for long enough.
Bradford's contribution to British culture is somewhat nil - they have
produced no Dickens, no Shakespeare. Indeed, the only famous son of
Bradford I can find is a certain J. B. Priestley - a previously obscure
writer who, I believe, was propelled into the limelight when his nephew,
Elvis, shot to fame in the States.
As to cuisine, what great marvels are there on offer? Which British dishes
can be had there? What are the local specialties? Can I perhaps sample
Yorkshire pudding, that world-renowned dish? Or perhaps a black pudding,
which is Yorkshire's other famed specialty... No. The item of Great
British cuisine which is most easily available in the city is the curry,
that most English of dishes. I rest my case.
Things To See In Bradford
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1) The sign on the motorway saying "You are now leaving Bradford"
which is the highlight of any trip to the city.
Things To Do In Bradford
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1) Leave. As quickly as possible.
[Note - while this article may appear to be somewhat derogatory to a certain
area of Yorkshire, it is by no means the author's intent to insult or
denigrate this region. I trust that inhabitants of the area will appreciate
that this article was written with humorous intent - it is well known that
Bradfordians have a great sense of humour - you have to, to survive in the
place.]
[1] It is a little known, but highly relevant, fact that Bradford Cathedral
is placed in such a way that it is possible to walk right past it and
still not see it! What is it hiding from?
[2] Why does no one ever question the gender of the devil?