This article is classified "Real"
Location
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Newcastle is in the North-East of England in the Tyne and Wear region.
This area is designated as that between the two rivers named, surprisingly
enough, the Tyne and the Wear. The Tyne is the more Northern of the two.
Newcastle's about 100 miles south of the Scottish border and 40 miles from
the East coast of the UK (Whitley Bay being the major nearby seaside town).
It's also about 100 miles from Bradford, but that's another article...
Despite all these relative distances, Newcastle is the centre of the
universe and an amazingly nice place. But I'm biased.
Area
----
No actual numbers available, but not infinite by any large stretch of the
imagination. Many areas are classed as Newcastle so it depends on what
you mean by "City of..." or "Borough of...". The city centre's relatively
small as far as cities go, and has a lovely cross-section of all types of
shops and so forth. The borough also has an amazing cross-section and
stretches as far south as the River Tyne (Gateshead's on the other side),
as far north as the border with Northumberland (about 15 miles from Tyne
to Northumberland), as far east as Wallsend (or thereabouts) and as far
west as Newcastle Airport.
Imports
-------
People seeking cheap housing as they escape from the expensive South.
Exports
-------
Newcastle Brown Ale - Probably the most popular and widely-available
alcoholic beverage in the UK. And the US's equivalent of Sol Lager from
what I hear (i.e., bloody expensive to import, but all the "happening"
people drink it. What's actually "happening" to them is a different
matter, but after four bottles of Dog (as it's affectionately known), it
usually involves soiled underwear and several angry policemen).
Ships - Boats (pronounced "bo-ats") have been built on the Tyne for well
over a hundred years. Unfortunately, the government has seen fit to
close down most of the shipyards resulting in massive amounts of
unemployment and the next export:
Geordies - Friendly folk with a language all of their own. The definition
of a Geordie differs slightly from area to area, the quaintest being
"anyone born within sight of the Tyne," but extending to "anyone born in
the North East of England." This gives the Mackem's an easy way out by
claiming they live "near Newcastle" instead of "in Sunderland." Geordies
and Mackems get on like a box of matches and a large pile of explosives...
On *no account* walk around Newcastle in a red and white vertically-
striped soccer shirt. Unless you *enjoy* being beaten to a pulp by a
rampaging mob of followers of Newcastle's Black and White Army (a.k.a.
Newcastle United).
Weather
-------
Generally cold and wet, though when the sun does come out it can be
enough to make your freckles slide off with the sweat. Or develop into
nice melanomas. The weather tends to stick to the usual British rota of
hot weather in summer and colder in winter, though expect to see snow as
late on as March.
Population
----------
Varies from area to area. The cheaper areas like Wallsend are packed
with millions of council homes where the general thought pattern involves
dropping as many sprogs as possible. The theory behind this is that if
you have ten kids, a comparatively smaller number will spend the useful
part of their lives in jail after being caught ram-raiding. More upmarket
areas like Gosforth have fewer larger houses with only three to four people
in them including one to two children attending public schools. These are
the ones who get beaten up by the eight children belonging to the couple
in Wallsend.
Monetary Units
--------------
The Pound Sterling. Expect many places to complain about having to
accept any foreign currency including Scottish banknotes.
Newcastle's quite a cheap place to both live in and visit, nightclubs
being the exception to this rule. If you intend on buying a house in the
region, consider mortgaging it before going out to paint the town red (or
puce, or whatever else takes your fancy).
Art
---
Newcastle has three cinemas and four theatres in the town centre, as well
as two museums.
Cinemawise, you have the nine-screen Warner multiplex in Manors, a mere
five minutes from the town centre. Always a good selection of films and
relatively cheap to get in. If memory serves, it's low price all day
Tuesday. The Odeon is about one minute from the middle of the town as is
the Tyneside Cinema. The Odeon is a four-screen affair, and the prices
are the same as the Warner. The Tyneside is Newcastle's "art-house"
cinema that tends to show the cult films and runs seasons of various kinds.
A couple of recent runs that spring to mind are the black and white 3D
series and the Troma season (Toxic Avengers, Nuke 'em High, etc.) Prices
here tend to be quite steep, though and the author does not have first-hand
experience of this theatre.
Theatres in the town centre are the Playhouse (small and charitably funded
but a lovely place), the Theatre Royal, the City Hall, and the Tyne Theatre
and Opera House. All are nice venues and have a good range of ticket
prices for whatever show is performing. The City Hall is the only one
that doubles as a concert venue, though and it ain't a good one.
Other concert venues are the Mayfair (also a nightclub), the Riverside,
Newcastle University, and many pubs for local bands including the legendary
Broken Doll. The Doll is soon to be part of a bypass. Well, it's
progress, isn't it? Other nearby places for concerts and so forth are
Middlesborough (Arena), Whitley Bay (ice rink) and Gateshead Stadium.
The two museums in the city centre are the Hancock (near the Haymarket)
and the Joicey (near Manors). Both are quite cheap and have a great
variety of exhibits. The Hancock has themed exhibitions which last for
several months, the most recent of which was a dinosaur one, to coincide
with the Jurassic Park release. Very popular, so aim to go out of peak
season if you can.
The Joicey is more of a local affair with more permanent exhibits.
Dealing more with local history (but not exclusively - it takes this
link rather tenuously to show things from other countries discovered by
Geordies) it's very cheap to get into and larger than it looks from the
outside. Truly the TARDIS of Northern Museums.
For those with more than a day to spare, a trip south to County Durham is
advised and a visit to Beamish. It is Europe's largest museum, most of it
being outside and it deals with life in the north over the last 200 years
or so. Many fully-working exhibits including steam trains and trams, plus
whole streets of shops and houses made up as they were over 100 years ago.
Expect to spend a whole day there.
Sex
---
The place to look if you have a lot of money, a sense of adventure, and a
death-wish is the Quayside. Can't say this Guide doesn't cover even the
most depraved of topics, can you?
Safety
------
As previously, don't wear red and white. Also, don't kill any magpies as
they are a symbol of the "Army." Don't ask for *anything* with "lime in
it" in any of the harder nightclubs if you're male, or wear a similar
dress to anyone else if you're female. And never, *never* spill someone's
pint or call him (or it) a puff.
Transport
---------
For those with cars, there is a fair amount of parking in Newcastle. The
best car park to aim for is the one outside the Manors cinema. Try to
get there just before 11am as that's when they open the section nearest
the cinema (sneaky, eh?). It's only 10p an hour and it's quite close to
the centre of town. The next best is the multi-storey, again at Manors.
Slightly more expensive, but less likely to be full. If you're desperate,
use the multi-storey at Haymarket, but it's *very* expensive.
For those using public transport, there are two main ways to get into
Newcastle: bus and Metro. Bus services are quite good, running in all
directions fairly regularly, but it's not the cheapest service I've seen.
Main bus terminuses are Worswick Street, near the fire station which deals
predominantly with areas south of the Tyne (Gateshead, Durham,
Chester-le-Street and so forth); Haymarket, which deals mainly with areas
north of the City (Four Lane Ends up to Blyth in Northumberland);
Marlborough Street near Newcastle Central Station for areas west of the
city; and Eldon Square (both above and below ground) which deal with most
other areas.
The Metro is Tyneside's answer to the London Underground. Quick, easy to
use, and convenient, the costs are about the same as bus fares (the fare
systems are linked) and in the city centre itself there are five stations.
The system extends as far as Whitley Bay in the north-east corner of the
map, to Newcastle Airport in the north-west (recently opened), South
Shields in the south-east and as far south as Gateshead town centre. Park
and Ride facilities are available enabling you to leave your car near a
Metro station to save finding a space in town.
Where to go
-----------
Check out the "Arts" section, but more specifically:
The Mayfair on a Friday or Saturday if you're into rock music. It's big
but expensive. Non-members pay UK3.00 to get in before 10pm and UK4.00
after. Members pay UK2.50 before and UK3.00 after. Due to the price of
beverages inside it's a good idea to pay the extra and get lathered until
pub closing time if such is your idea of a night out. For this purpose
the following are recommended:
Fat Sam's - cheap, plays rock music, but quite a walk from the
Mayfair.
The Farmer's Rest - cheap, jukebox with some rock music on and
within staggering distance of the Mayfair.
The Percy Arms - opposite side of the road to the Farmer's.
Piped rock music downstairs and a guy with a large CD
collection and amplifier upstairs who takes requests. Again,
relatively cheap and within crawling distance of the Mayfair,
but with one less main road to cross than the Farmer's.
If you're not into good music and prefer wussy stuff, there is a myriad of
other clubs around the town. There's Madison's near the Warner Brother's
cinema, the Ritzy downstairs from it (and near Fat Sam's - such fun when
all the nice folk are leaving at closing time and encounter all the drunk
schoolkids on their way to their little trendy night...), and several
other nightclubs in the immediate vicinity. There's also the infamous
Bigg Market just down the road from the Mayfair which contains many pubs
with late licenses as opposed to clubs. Make sure you hide your offensive
weaponry well, though.
That's all that springs to mind at the minute. I'll add and alter this as
and when necessary, and any comments gratefully received - I've hardly
been home for a year *sob*.