This article is classified "Real"
Do telemarketers call you at the most inconvenient times wanting to paint
your house, loan you money, sell you vitamins, take a "survey," sell you a
one-week timeshare in a condo in Cuba, ask you to subscribe to their
newspaper, etc., etc., etc.?
I can imagine you would want to stamp out telemarketers, and make it so
unprofitable for companies to hire people to intrude into people's lives
during their personal time at home that they will stop doing it out of
economic necessity (since common decency is foreign to their motivation).
One way to do this is to fluster the telemarketer and to take up a great
deal of his time without giving him any business or any information.
Poor babies. They call you up to take advantage of your I'm-a-nice-person-
so-I-can't-be-rude-to-sleazebags programming and they never know what hit
them. It's more rewarding if they are never quite sure whether or how
they've been had.
Here's a list on how you can make them miserable:
1) If they want to loan you money tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and could sure use some money.
2) If they ask personal questions ask them personal questions
back.
3) If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you
want to know?" Or tell them you're so glad they asked because
no one these days seems to care, and you have all these
problems; your sciatica is acting up, your eyelashes are sore,
your dog just died... and when they try to get to the sell
just keep talking about your "problems."
4) If they want to sell you a newspaper tell them that you can't
read.
5) If they want to wash your windows tell them your house doesn't
have any.
6) If they say they are Joe Doe from the XYZ Company ask them to
spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name.
Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them
personal questions or questions about their company until they
give up.
7) When a computer calls instead of a person, give it a made-up
name and then when a live telemarketer calls, asking for that
fictional person, talk to them enough to get the company's
name and address and then report them to the District Attorney.
This because in some states it's illegal for a computer to
call you up and give you a recorded message unless a live
person comes on first and asks if you are willing to listen.
8) Tell them you don't do business with strangers who are rude
enough to call you up after business hours and ask you
personal questions. (But this one is too up-front for most of
these non-vertebrates.)
9) If you're a male, one thing you can do to telemarketers (male
or female) is this (it's very rude, though):
Telemarketer: Hi, my name is Spammi and I'm with Canter and
Siegel Services...
You: Hang on a second. [a few seconds' pause] Okay,
[in really husky voice] What are you wearing?
Telemarketer: [Click.]
10) You could also make up a service of your own and pitch to them.
11) Try to order a pizza.
12) You could cry out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and
surprise, "Spammi! Is that you? Oh, my GOD! Spammi, how
have you BEEN?" It's possible you could give Spammi a few
brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the
hell she could know you from.
13) The next time the Tupperware Lady calls, ask her if they keep
body parts fresh, too.
14) Say "Oh yes, I'd love to talk to you, but I charge for my
time by the hour so if you want to continue the conversation,
you'll have to give me a credit card number and expiration
date."
15) There was a T.V. program where a man started his own business
to "listen to telemarketing sales pitches." He advertised
once in a regional paper (Wall Street classified), and when he
was called he asked the marketer his name, the company name,
and the company's billing address. He allowed the company to
pitch their product or service.
He then sent a bill for (you pick it, let's say $50) to the
company. He then followed through in small claims court when
the company didn't pay. He actually has won payments several
times.
16) Tell them that you are interested in hearing about their
product but you have to quickly get your kid out of the
bathtub first. Then put the phone down on the desk or counter
and go back to whatever you were doing. This works best if
there is music or TV on in the background so they can't be
sure.
Even more evil would be to wait a couple of minutes, then
scream a few feet from the phone "Oh my GOD!", followed by
some incoherent wailing about "My baby!" Just hope that the
person on the other end of the line doesn't have a weak
ticker....
17) Or if you've got a neat hold-phone with a tape deck in it, say
something like "Can you hold - putting you through" and then
play at least four minutes of the worst music you can dredge
up. "Digital Watch tunes, volume 6" or "Stylophone classics"
should be about right. You could also try a tape of the
album "Golden Throats" which includes William Shatner singing
"Lucy In The Sky With Diamond" and "Mr. Tambourine Man," among
many other musical nightmares. And what about an electronic
version of "Fur Elise" or "Harvey the Wonder Hamster."
18) Just say "no" over and over until they hang up. Be sure to
vary the sound of the "no"s, and keep an even tempo even as
they speak. Here's an excerpt from one conversation:
"No...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...
no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...
no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no..."
19) Get an unlisted number. Use call blocking. Never call 800
numbers from your house, because unlisted or not they'll still
get your number.
20) If they clean rugs ask things like: "can you get out blood?",
"can you get out HUMAN blood?", and "how about GOAT blood?".
21) If they paint ask: "can you cover up blood?", or "do you paint
tents?"
22) If they sell air conditioning ask: "do you clean my fans?", or
"can it get that rotting smell out of my house?"
23) If they sell insurance ask: "do you have retroactive plans?"
24) With charity solicitors ask: "Do you accept sequentially
numbered bills?"
25) A simple trick, polite even: whatever they're selling, tell
them you just bought it. Newspaper subscriptions? Why thank
you, I already subscribe. Cabinet refacing? Why what a
coincidence -- we just had ours done! This will always leave
them dumbfounded; they don't have a pre-programmed comeback
for it. They'll say: "uh..well...thanks", and hang up.
26) Just try to sell them some version of what they're selling you.
If you, for instance, get a call of someone trying to sell you
six magazine subscriptions at once..
Them: "So are you interested"
You: "Actually I already have twenty or thirty magazine
subscriptions... as a matter of fact I really don't have
time to read them all... I could make you a deal on some
of the extras!?"
Them: "That's Ok sir, are you sure you wouldn't like these?"
(Throughout next section add in them saying um.. at odd
intervals)
You: "Oh come on I really don't need them, they're just
taking up space. Tell ya what -- I'll give em to ya
[click] for..."
You: "Hello? Hello?"
Always works...
27) One way to screw with these guys is to start balling and
crying if they ask for a certain member of the families name.
Works great with AT&T, MCI, credit card companies, etc...
When they say, "Is Mr. John Smith there?" you start balling
and tell them that they have passed on. Then go into a spiel
about what a great human the person was. How much they meant
to you, etc. etc. etc.
Someone once got a lady from some cable company to cry when
they asked for his father. She kept going on and on about
how sorry she was about disturbing him.
28) If they call for you to sign up for their Family and Friends
plan reply: "I don't have any friends...would you be my
friend?" in as sinister a voice as possible.
29) Listen to their entire spiel, and feign interest when
feedback is necessary (do something else in between). When
they're all done and just needed your credit card number to
send out the order, ask the telemarketer to marry you. When
they refuse, explain you don't give your credit card number
to complete strangers...
30) Don't think of it as an unpleasant interruption; think of it
as Free Phone Sex!
31) Tell them, in as deadpan a voice as possible, that you're not
allowed to have money.
32) When they say "This is Bill from WaterTronics", say something
like:
You: "WaterTronics! Hey I work for them too. Where are you
calling from?"
Bill: "Dallas Texas."
You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's the
business?!? How's the weather?"
Bill: "Sorry, we can't sell to employees."
You: "Oh, bye then"
33) This will work on any telemarketer who's trying to sell you
something. After they're done with their spiel, ask:
You: "What if I don't like [the product]? Are you going to
guarantee it?"
Them: "We will give you a full refund if you're not satisfied."
You: "You misunderstood my question. Are *you* willing to
guarantee that I like the product?"
Them: "Our company will --"
You: "That wasn't the question. [Sharp sigh] Look, are you,
personally, willing to guarantee that I like the
product? Are you willing to swear, on *your* honor,
that it's not going to turn out to be a piece of shit?"
Them: "Uh, well, no, but our --"
You: "Why the hell are *you* on the phone selling it, then?
I want to speak to someone who *will* guarantee --"
Them: "Sir, I don't think we have anyone like that. Our
company's word is just as good."
You: "Fine, then. Put the rest of the company on the phone.
I want to hear it from them."