This article is classified "Real"
UFOs Are Nothing to Worry About ------------------------------- There was a guy on the front page of the local newspaper the other day who claimed the US government is involved in a conspiracy to cover up the existence of aliens visiting Earth. The only person who could pull off that kind of conspiracy was buried recently (Nixon). Clinton can't even hide a bad condo deal much less the mother ship from the plant Zenon. Perhaps that was what was on those lost 18 minutes of Watergate tapes. Perhaps Nixon and Elvis are serving Slurpees in an Idaho Falls Seven-11 right now. Perhaps there is a certain percentage of the population that is just spared the ravages of intelligence here so they seek it elsewhere. If these really are aliens visiting us, they are goofy aliens. I'm not sure we have much to fear or much to learn from a culture that travels light years across the galaxy just to mess up our wheat fields and abduct guys named Bubba from Mississippi swamplands. And if they are going to abduct people like this, why do they give them back? And what is the deal with "crashed UFOs?" They somehow negotiated the cosmos only to be felled by a tricky cross wind in New Mexico? Where did they learn to drive? Utah? There are enough real things to be worried about other than aliens in a government relocation program. I personally worry that just about any day now "The" Cable Company is going to announce to the world that it really is "The" Phone Company in disguise and that they are really, really mad about the break up of AT&T. You think the advertisements for phone services are bad, just wait till the TV giants go at it. I worry that those fiber-optic cables run both directions and that they have enough dirt on all of us to make Nixon look like the saint he was portrayed as in all those eulogies. Heck, maybe TV is part of the alien conspiracy plot. Maybe a silver ship will land on the White House lawn like in the movie "The Day the Earth Stood Still" and out will step Ted Turner and Ross Perot who rip off their rubber faces only to reveal the hideous truth... that they are still Ted Turner and Ross Perot. "We come in peace. We come to bring you affordable cable TV." Yeah, it could be true, my psychic friend said so. I think we should get a refund every time the cable company shows a Police Academy movie. I think C-Span and the Home Shopping Network should combine so that you could actually buy senators form the comfort of your own home. I think there is too much sex and violence...... in professional sports. I think if you turn down the sound, the video babes and studs on MTV and the Nashville Network are starting to look eerily alike. I think line dancing is a plot to bring back disco. I'm worried that people are actually starting to commit bizarre crimes just so they can meet Connie Chung or Phil Donahue. I'm worried about the mixed morals of people who have both radar detectors and car alarms. To counteract this, I think police should hand out car alarm detectors to criminals. I wonder, if "milk does a body good" why hasn't a cow ever won the Kentucky Derby? I worry that those Soloflex and Nordic Trak machines seem to make men's chest hair fall out. Really, look closely at the before and after pictures sometime. I wonder what kind of chair people with Buns of Steel find comfortable? I wonder if the Juice Man has any teeth? I wonder if the UFO conspiracy guy isn't right after all.