This article is classified "Real"
The Ohio State University is located in Columbus, the capitol of Ohio, a
state, in the United States of America, a country, on Earth (Terra for the
anal hitchhikers), a planet. Below are directions to get to this
university.
From space:
Find a map, locate Columbus, and just drop on in. Once landed,
ask for the nearest bar and make your way there because its the
best thing to do unless you are an absolute twit. Afterward, you
could go to one of the 5,000 libraries on campus and try to learn
something, although I've found learning comes much easier and is
more fun if you are at least half blotto. You don't actually
remember very much, so usually you have to go get blotto again the
next day to try to learn again what you so recently forgot. For
final exams, for example, I recommend at least a month of straight
studying if you are going to study in this fashion.
So when it comes right down to it, just make your way to a bar for
whatever reason you've came and then work things out from there.
Don't worry about not blending in; most of the bars are on High
Street and everyone blends in on High Street. Jesse Helms running
naked with Tammy Faye Baker (I know she's remarried now, but I'm
still calling her Baker.) on his shoulders would hardly get a
glance.
On the Earth:
From the East: Coming in from across the Atlantic Ocean, make
your way to New York. Stay there a few days just for the effect.
Then make your way west until you hit a big lake. Follow the lake
shore going south and west until you hit a very smelly place.
This is Cleveland, known to be one of the proposed gateways to
Hell (although I don't think that's very fair to Hell; I would
like to say that I don't start these rumors, I just report what
I hear).
At Cleveland turn left, then go south and a tad west and you'll
run into Columbus. Once there, follow the above instructions for
those just landing from space.
From anywhere else: I've been studying a lot lately and don't
quite remember how to come in from any other direction than from
the east at this time. So if you live somewhere other than east
of Ohio State and Columbus, it would be best to make your way to
the east and then start from there.
Now that you're at OSU, and are at least half blotto, there are only two
things that you can really do. Either stay at the bar and make it all the
way to the state known as FUBAR'ed (Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition), or
do something else.
After a long study period, I usually like to relax. But I inevitably will
end up FUBAR'ed besides that fact. It may seem kind of pointless to travel
all the way here when you could get FUBAR'ed pretty much anywhere there is
alcohol. But when it comes right down to it, life seems pretty pointless
anyway so why don't you just say, "what the hell?" I know its not the
best way to bring people (aliens included of course) to OSU, but once you're
half blotto (like me right now), you'll see the deeper meaning and value of
this philosophy.
As far as the other option goes, I'm sorry but I haven't actually had time
to find out what else there is to do. I'm only a mortal and most of my time
has been spent exploring the first option. Ohio State is a huge university
in a fairly big city, so there should be lots of other things to do. So my
advice would be to buy a paper or something. Of course if you have followed
my advice at the beginning of this article, you should be at least half
blotto. So it would be best to find something to do within walking
distance.