This article is classified "Real"
"Je veux aller a Euro Disney
Pour ouvrir un Sex-Shop..."
Ludwig von 88, "Euro Disney"
Euro Disney is currently a quite unhoopy place to go for hitchhikers: life
there is awfully expensive, the food is processed, the girls are scarce
above thirteen, and it rains most of the time. However, it is expected
to become a much more pleasant place in the near future when it's
closed down, so hang on.
HISTORY:
Euro Disney was planned to be the first Disney leisure park of the European
continent. The whole concept of such resorts is typical of the
United States of America, the wonderful huge country where you can buy
everything from health or freedom to culture.
Here I will expose with complete unbiased objectivity the motivations to
building Euro Disney in Marne-le-Vallee, France.
From the point of view of the Disney Company, it was just time to bring
the enlightenment of the Disney civilization in the very centre of the Old
Continent, and to give its children the chance to experience such a
wonderful entertainment without having to travel to Florida (USA). (In
the course of this philanthropic achievement, there were unavoidable
possibilities of unwanted profits, which the company would keep as low as
possible.)
A careful market study showed that the best would-be guests to Euro Disney
would be the Englishmen, the Germans and the Italians. Unfortunately,
when you try to build something as close as possible to England, Germany,
and Italy, it usually falls in France. The Frenchmen themselves did not
seem to have enough cultural maturity to fully understand the educational
benefits of a Disney entertainment centre to send their children to,
but from the point of view of the French government, Euro Disney was an
unexpected chance to spectacularly create hundreds of jobs in a go, which
could not be neglected in a period of economic recession and unemployment,
and most of all, of approaching elections.
There were long talks between the Disney Company and the countries in which
Euro Disney could be implanted, represented by lobbies of investment
companies. In the end, the conditions offered by the French government
made the choice obvious: they offered financial support, a good part
of the infrastructure, a new motorway, and a new railway between the chosen
place and Paris (capital of the country), and even a new high-speed
train link to the rest of Europe, all of which would be paid by the french
taxpayers. It made it easy to find people willing to invest into this
adventure: the idea was to buy hundreds of hectares of agricultural land
(cheap) and to let the Government turn it into expensive, ideally
placed office earthground.
It was even suggested in some quacky papers that the investors hoped the
leisure park to be a failure, so that they could grab the land again and
build offices on it. Anyway, it was a hoopy move: if I had had a few
millions to save then, I would have given them for Euro Disney, too.
Unfortunately, I only had half a dozen ecus and a towel by the time...
Then the Euro Disney resort was built, and it was a time of great
achievements, great sacrifices, and great advertising.
And Euro Disney created jobs, and it was also a time of great advertising
and satisfaction for the government. Sadly, it was too late: on the
following year, their electoral disaster was so terrible that nobody
today even remembers their names, and the victory of the opposite party
was so total that democracy itself disappeared from France for a few years.
Besides, a few leftist primarily anti-American newspapers complained that
the jobs created didn't follow the french work legislation, but who cared:
by the time, a job was a job, even if you didn't have the right to wear a
beard or too brown a skin.
Then Euro Disney opened its magical doors in April 1992, and it was a time
of even greater advertising.
Then Euro Disney did not make money.
There were several explanations, none of them fully satisfactory. Some of
the guests (never call them customers) complained about the weather,
saying that such enterprises work better in sunny countries like, say,
Florida (USA). Some other complained about the incredibly high price of
the attractions and neighbouring facilities (hotels or restaurants).
People at Euro Disney first complained that no French people visited them:
Germans, and Englishmen would come from their remote countries, but even
the Parisians were reluctant to move that far to have fun, preferring
just get downstairs to the pub, to the library, to the restaurant, or to
the new brunette next door, depending on the mood.
Then the management complained that the few people visiting Euro Disney
didn't buy all the useless Mickey-goodies, as did the Americans. Maybe
the advertising campaign was too shy?
Anyway, after one year, it was obvious that Disney Resort was forgetting
to make any profit. The Disney Company was unwilling to invest more and
began suppressing jobs while threatening the new French Government to close
for good if they did not help them more. But the new French Government had
had time to realize that enough of their money had been wasted in this void,
and besides they didn't care for a few jobs: they were liberals, too.
And here we are. The highest probability now is that the resort will be
closed down, which most French will consider as a good thing, although
most of the loans were guaranteed by the government on the taxpayers'
money. Should this prediction prove false, I will of course have this
article accordingly modified in the best apocrypha way.
But now, the real thing:
BEFORE GETTING THERE:
Think twice! You will have to behave well far longer than normal
hitchhikers can: everything there is clean, enlightened, and
cardboard-smiling. The exclusive sight of so many fake Mickeys(TM),
Donalds(TM) and Plutos(TM) for a whole day without getting mad and
shooting in the bunch needs a heavy training or a complete lobotomy.
The exclusive company of Germans-in-Short-Pants(TM), TV-addicted children,
and diverse rich brainwashed people might be dangerous for your own brain.
You will be brainwashed yourself, you might never be the same again.
Ok, you've been warned.
Having said that, it should be something really fun if you can afford it.
In this respect, take your food with you! And more important, take your
booze with you! And hide it well.
WHEN TO GET THERE:
If you really want to go to alive Euro Disney, just wait a little more:
the prices should drop more and more until the resort is finally closed
down. Meanwhile, stay in Paris. In general, by the way, stay in Paris:
there is much more there to see, taste, feel, and experiment.
After it's been closed down, it's another thing: the place is expected
to rapidly become a huge squat for all the homeless and dropouts of
Paris; it will be dirty and dangerous, one will be able to find there
all the possible prohibited substances and the police won't dare to enter
the Resort anymore. It will be much more fun, then. But you need to wait
a year or two.
HOW TO GET THERE:
First, get to Paris. Then, just follow the omnipresent advertizing.
I'm afraid hitchhiking to Euro Disney will take quite a while, as the people
working there have a strong feeling of belonging to an elite and therefore
won't take hitchhikers, and the people going there to visit usually have
their cars full of wives and children. Anyway, you will have to be clean
and correct, or they won't let you in.
We won't suggest, of course, that you pay to enter Euro Disney. You will
easily bribe any of the staff members, they are poorly paid enough. Or you
can try to disguise into Mickey(TM), it seems the easiest way: just cut
two big circles in black cardboards for the ears, have a synthetic smile
and take a silly but enjoyed voice, and it should do.
WHAT THERE IS TO SEE:
Well, I don't know, I haven't been there either, you know, never had the
guts nor the money. And very few of my close friends have been there
either, I'm not that kind of guy. And those who have, God knows why, are
kind of reluctant to talk about it.
And anyway, if we tell you everything, it won't be magical anymore.