This article is classified "Real"
Any hitchhiker who has recently arrived in or on a new planet, continent,
city, town, suburb or indeed house (for the less adventurous) is faced
with the same question: Where can I get a drink? Once this question is
answered, a host of sub-questions arise: What can I get to drink? What can
I expect to pay for it? What will be standing next to me while I drink it?
What will it do to me (the drink OR the thing standing next to you)?
Most people on Earth live a long way from the pubs near Melbourne
University, Australia. In fact, most Australians live a long way from them.
Actually, if the definition of "a long way" is taken to be "a distance
sufficient that I feel like a beer after walking it, especially if it's hot
outside," then everyone (with the possible exception of the live-in
publicans) lives A LONG WAY from these pubs. This, it is widely agreed, is
a shame.
This article aims to answer the usual initial questions for the hitchhiker
who has made it to the immediate vicinity of The University of Melbourne in
Australia (having, by definition, travelled A LONG WAY to get there). Such
a person will be standing in one of the following suburbs: Carlton, Fitzroy,
or Parkville. If you are in Melbourne, at a University and NOT in one of
these suburbs, then you are in trouble. You are probably at Monash
University and you will have to go to "The Nott" (their only pub). This
researcher suggests that you go to the Nott and purchase a slab (24 cans) of
Victoria Bitter (VB) and then hitch to Carlton, applying a medicinal VB
whenever the dreariness of the outer suburbs really starts to get you down.
Now for a pub-by-pub tour of the area. But first, let us reflect upon the
aptness of the phrase "pub-by-pub tour." Hitchhikers contemplating visiting
the area should be aware that many long-term residents of the area in fact
navigate solely by pubs.
Here is a sample conversation:
RESIDENT 1: "Where is `The Vegie Bar'?" (It's a restaurant, not a bar.)
RESIDENT 2: "You know the Clyde?"
RESIDENT 1: "Yeah."
RESIDENT 2: "Go to the Clyde and then head straight down the street
towards Percy's. Go past Percy's and keep going in the same
direction until you get to the Provincial. Turn left and keep
going until you get to the Evelyn. Cross the street to the
Punter's Club. The Vegie Bar is just across the street
(the other street) from you."
RESIDENT 1: "Thanks mate."
RESIDENT 2: "No worries. Go you blue boys!"
(Reference to local footy team.)
RESIDENT 1: "Ah... yeah mate."
Or, in extreme cases:
RESIDENT 1: "Where did you grow up?"
RESIDENT 2: "Webster St., Wendouree."
RESIDENT 1: "Where?"
RESIDENT 2: "You know the Redback?"
RESIDENT 1: "Yeah"
RESIDENT 2: "Go to the Redback, head out west for 117 kilometres...."
So, we see that knowing the pubs is going to be useful in many more ways
than one. Now let's get started. All prices are in Australian dollars.
At the time of writing, 1 $A ~= 0.66 $US.
Here we go. (Here we go, etc.)
THE CLYDE
Location: Cnr. Elgin St. & Cardigan St. Carlton
Layout: Public Bar, Bistro, Beer Garden.
Description:
The Clyde is very close to Melbourne Uni, and consequently has a large
student component to its clientele. It is the pub of choice for Queen's
and Newman Colleges, and also the Science faculty. Students tend to
populate the Bistro (well, it says Bistro on the sign outside but it is in
fact just the back bar), which is decorated in a dreadful mock-medieval
style.
Thankfully it is usually so full of drunk students and loud music that no
one notices the decor. The atmosphere is friendly, and it is furnished
with long tables with chairs. Also a few small tables at the other end.
Depending on the student density/drunkeness you can actually sit down and
talk to someone.
The Beer Garden adjoins the back bar, and is plain concrete with plastic
chairs and umbrellas. This is really just extra back bar for when the
weather's good. At least you can spill your drinks, throw up, etc. without
worrying about the medieval decor (as if you would... worry, that is).
The front bar has regulars. Behind the bar is a collection of "Clyde Hotel"
glasses with regulars names' engraved on them. The owner (Frank Viola)
presents one to a regular on his (they are all male, or approximately so)
birthday. These are the guys who have been coming there for years and think
nothing of going to the pub by themselves because they are sure to meet some
one they know, even if it's just the bar staff. These are also the guys who
become uneasy if "Cheers" comes on the TV in the bar. Especially the fat
guy who sits in the corner. (A lovely bloke called Geoff. In fact he is
half the size that he used to be, so fat isn't really fair. What's the past
tense of fat?)
The front bar regulars are different during daylight hours. During daylight
they are the guys who work for the city council and wear blue overalls and
day-glo orange vests. They apparently sit in the pub drinking, waiting for
the call (perhaps they have pagers) to leap out and, for instance, lean on a
spade while watching another bloke dig a hole. That is what council workers
do.
Drinks:
Beers on tap:
Carlton Draught $1.60
Victoria Bitter $1.60
Guinness more
Toohey's Blue less
Toohey's Classic less
Usual mixed drinks, etc. are available at the bar. Stubbies of many
other Australian and imported beers, too.
Food:
The back bar is also where meals are served. Prices range from about $6.50
for pasta to $10.00 for steak. All meals come with a side-serve of salad.
The steak with pepper sauce is great.
Summary:
The Clyde is a terrific pub, with good food and good beer at reasonable
prices. The bar staff is noted for its friendliness. It is the sort of
place you want to go back to. Note that if one day Frank gives you a glass
with your name on it, you have stopped hitchhiking. Probably years ago.
NAUGHTON'S
Location: Cnr. Royal Parade & Morrah St., Parkville.
Layout: Public Bar, Lounge/Bistro.
Description:
Naughton's is the traditional Melbourne University pub. The word
traditional is used here in the sense of "used to be" rather than "always
was and always will be." This is not to say that Naughto's (as it is
known) has completely lost its way. It has just failed to respond to
competition. It is still, however, a major student pub.
Not so very long ago, Naughton's was the home of the Melbourne University
major colleges. There was a stained glass window with four panels. The
panels contained the crests of Queen's, Newman, Trinity and Ormond colleges.
On the first night of the University year the pub would be packed to
overflowing as college freshers queued for their chance to "kiss the crest,"
in a ritual dating back tens of years. This charming, if unhygienic, custom
has now been lost. The panels have been removed and framed - ostensibly for
their protection. The fact is that they were so highly respected that they
were in no danger, and now the atmosphere has been lost. The incidence of
shared infections amongst freshmen has not changed in the slightest, since
their means of body-fluid exchange almost invariably cut out "middle-men"
like the previously saliva-encrusted crest.
Much of Naughton's traditional custom has been lost to The Clyde and
(shudder) night clubs. Trinity, Ormond, and the Philosophy Department still
drink there, which in many ways is reason enough not to. It is bad enough
trying to drink a beer whilst nagged by thought that maybe you don't exist
when you can safely attribute the thought to excess alcohol (I have often
been quite convinced that the tip of my nose doesn't exist, and I see no
reason why the rest of me should not go the same way given enough beer). It
is much worse when the bloke next to you is quite sure that YOU DON'T EXIST,
and is not sure that he does, and is absolutely sober.
However, Naughto's is still sought out by Melbourne University alumni and
college old boys and girls, and is really still very pleasant. It offers a
lounge with pew-like seats deeply etched with the graffiti of past scholars,
pool tables, darts, and innumerable memories for many. They still have "Bat
Out Of Hell" on the juke box, and "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" is still
played by freshettes now as it ever was. They also have Toohey's Old Brown
Ale on tap, which is a GOOD THING.
Drinks:
On tap:
Carlton Draught
Victoria Bitter
Toohey's Old (!)
Guinness
Usual bar stuff.
Food:
Yes. Snack Form. Steak sandwiches, hot dogs, pies, pasties,
nachos, chips, etc.
Summary:
A Melbourne University tradition. Good beer, nice old photos and oars on
the walls. Meatloaf discs. Go there at least once.
PRINCE ALFRED'S
Location: Cnr. Grattan St. & Bouverie St., Carlton.
Layout: Public Bar. Other stuff.
Description:
PA's has a long tradition as the Engineer's pub (it is across the road
from the faculty). A few years ago it was bought by John Platten (an
Australian Rules footballer who plays for Hawthorn) whose nickname is "The
Rat" (this is entirely irrelevant). Platten used the brilliant pub-
renovation idea of stripping back the paintwork and then stopping. This was
apparently done in the hope that it would look old and authentic, instead of
just looking like a pub which someone stopped renovating halfway through.
It looks like a pub which someone stopped renovating halfway through.
In an attempt to take the place "up-market," cocktails with sexually-
suggestive names were introduced. This had its usual success.
The engineers still go there during the day and after five o'clock lectures.
If visiting during those hours expect many checked flannel shirts,
Blundstone work boots and moleskin pants. Expect heavy metal music. Expect
the conversation to be about cars and football.
The night scene at PA's is of course different. PA's is not a Uni pub after
8:00pm. It is thronged by people who are Out After Work. They may be
identified by peroxided hair, tailored trousers (not jeans) and a
predilection for short-sleeve shirts with collars and a floral motif.
PA's has of course noticed the "higher" class of clientele that they attract
in the evening, and have taken steps to enhance their new-found
sophisticated image. Gone are the Neanderthal bouncers with crew-cuts and
black T-shirts who would break your arm and throw you out into the street as
soon as look at you. In are the Neanderthal bouncers with pony-tails, white
shirts and paisley waistcoats who would break your arm and throw you out
into the street as soon as look at you.
Drinks:
Yes.
Food:
Perhaps.
Summary:
It depends on what you like. If it depended on what I liked, I would say
don't bother.
THE ALBION
Location: Faraday St., b/w Lygon St. & Drummond St., Carlton.
Layout: Single room off street. Horrible.
Description:
The Albion is the remains of a once-great pub. The old Albion occupied the
street corner and was famous for its dangerous clientele and good live
music. Then most of it was sold to become a trendy women's clothing store.
The bit that was left at the back was refurbished to look up-market with
lots of tiles and black steel and chrome on the bar.
Unfortunately, the result looks like an ornate public toilet. Also, the old
Albion's famous dangerous crowd stubbornly refused to acknowledge that their
former haunt was now a trendy bar, and kept turning up. This resulted in it
NOT ever becoming a trendy bar. In fact, its dark, smoke-filled interior
resembles nothing more than the "Cantina Scene" from Star Wars.
The Albion also has pool tables. Associated with these tables is a
collection of very strange people indeed. As an example, there is one old
man who drinks bourbon and is constantly playing or waiting to play. He
looks a lot like Ferdinand Marcos. In fact, he looks so much like Ferdinand
Marcos that you feel sure that he must be:
A. Ferdinand Marcos
B. A Cheat
C. Dead
This researcher is pretty sure that A is false. B is definitely true, and
is not sure about C.
Drinks:
The Albion pours beers from taps that say things like "Victoria Bitter" and
"Carlton Draught," but they always taste awful. In fact they taste like
sulphur. I have no explanation for this. Perhaps it really is Hell.
Food:
No.
Summary:
The Albion is not a place that this researcher would go to out of choice.
It is, however, the last pub in the area to shut (at about 5:00am in the
morning). Consequently there is frequently no choice. I know of a group
of friends that have a rule that the first person to say the word "Albion"
on a given night is known as "a complete idiot" for the rest of the night.
This seems fair.
THE JOKER BAR
Location: 1st Floor, Cnr. Faraday St. & Lygon St, Carlton.
Layout: Single room.
Description:
This isn't actually a pub, so this will be brief. The Joker Bar is above
the location of the old Albion. It is layed-out as a night-club, with a
dance-floor, swirling lights, those marvellous mirrored balls (what will
they think of next!), girls who dance and guys who watch them. The only
reason that it doesn't qualify as a night-club is that the drinks are
reasonably priced. In fact cheap. In fact they have $1.00 pots every
night of the week. Just exactly what "beer" is in these pots has not been
established, and probably shouldn't be. The "stuff they squeeze out of the
rag they wipe the bar with downstairs" theory has not been discounted.
Drinks:
Yes.
Food:
Snacks.
Summary:
If you dance, consider it. If you like the idea of a beer and a chat with
friends, so much the better for you.
PERCY'S
Location: Cnr. Lygon St. & Elgin St., Carlton.
Layout: Front Bar, restaurant attached.
Description:
Another pub owned by a footballer - this time Percy Jones of Carlton fame.
This dark green pub has a cream interior. As you can see, this researcher
is not overly familiar with it. It has very high tables that cantilever
out from the walls on hinges. Once you realise that they are hinged, your
beer never feels safe again. These very high hinged "tables" are
thoughtfully equipped with very high stools (not hinged) so that you can
reach your beer.
Not a student pub. It often has people wearing suits in it.
Drinks:
They have them. Carlton Draught I guess. Probably others too.
Food:
Well I hardly think that the restaurant is purely decorative,
but I have never eaten there.
Summary:
A dark green pub.
STEWART'S
Location: Cnr. Elgin St. & Drummond St., Carlton.
Layout: Bar and Restaurant on Ground Floor, Bar, dancefloor and
band upstairs.
Description:
A pink pub with the incredibly tackily named "Sunfleur" restaurant attached.
I have had friends in bands who played in the room upstairs. You should
not attend any pub which would let them play. I would not drink anything
from an establishment prepared to treat its customers like that.
Drinks:
Yes.
Food:
Presumably.
Summary:
More research is needed in order to do justice to this pink pub, but it is
not likely to be done.
Well, that's about all I can cope with at the moment. Off to do some more
field research. (I wonder what a favourable write-up in Project Galactic
Guide is worth to a publican?) Below are spaces for future work. That will
test the ability of Guide readers to update articles!
THE PROVINCIAL
Location: Cnr Johnson St., & Brunswick St., Fitzroy.
Layout:
Description:
Same semi-renovated look as PA's. Has lit-up sign reading "Bar & Burgery."
It makes one think.
Drinks:
Food:
Summary: More research needed.
THE EVELYN
Location: Cnr ? St., & Brunswick St., Fitzroy.
Layout:
Description:
Being renovated.
Drinks:
Food:
Summary: More research needed. Good Live Music!
THE PUNTERS' CLUB
Location: Cnr ? St., & Brunswick St., Fitzroy.
Layout:
Description:
Was aptly described by Jim Moll as a "feral pub." Wear black.
Drinks:
Food:
Summary: More research needed. Good Live Music!
THE PERSEVERANCE
Location: Cnr ? St., & Brunswick St., Fitzroy.
Layout:
Description:
Has poetry readings and bands and a turret. And a cool name.
Drinks:
Food:
Summary: More research needed.
THE STANDARD
Location: Fitzroy St., Fitzroy.
Layout:
Description:
Dreadful U.S.A.ophile decor, but good food. Shuts at 11:00pm and plays
country & western music. It would WANT to be good food.
Drinks:
Food:
Summary: More research needed.