This article is classified "Real"
Being one of the worst habits of modern societies, tourism is something
you don't want to be identified with. After all, no one in his right
mind would admit to spending lots of money, travelling around the galaxy
to other places just to find out they are five times more boring than home
(which they are never really), or, which is even worse, five times better
than home (realizing what a dump they lived in the past 30 years). No way.
People are not that stupid. Well, they are somewhat, but not that much.
If you belong to the latter kind, here are some hints on avoiding to get
recognized as a tourist, which is the only way to get in touch with the
local scene and really get to know the place, enabling you to find out if
the place is actually that good or bad and feel real shitty for a change
(see above). Enjoy the feeling while it lasts.
Your major goal will be to get as close to the locals as possible, and as
far away from the other "typical" tourists, which you are not of course,
since you're an exception, which you are, because you want to have some
real fun on this trip since that is precisely what you came for.
Some main hints to start with:
1) Avoid people with cameras and/or hawaii shirts, especially if
they come in larger groups, which is not really difficult,
since they usually do.
2) Buy the best tourist guide book known and avoid all the places
it mentions as definitely worth a visit. In fact, avoid all
places it mentions at all.
3) Follow people that do not talk in the local language, because
it's most likely locals trying to disguise themselves or making
fun of tourists.
Finding your way around:
Never ask anyone for directions. If you do, you will probably be sent to
the rubbish dump (for the sheer fun of it, or because it's actually an
interesting experience), or the airport where you just came from.
When asking a tourist, you risk meeting someone from your hometown, which
in most cases is highly embarrassing, so we'll advise you not to take any
chances here. So use your intuition to get to wherever you think your
presence is so utterly needed, just to find out that having finally arrived
at some location, somehow you forgot why you wanted to be there (this is a
most adventurous and fun technique, and hey - as a tough hitchhiker, you
don't want to miss that extra bit of excitement).
Weather:
Adjusting yourself to the weather is quite easy, for there are two simple
rules to follow. If the weather is awesome, don't go down to the beach;
all the tourists will be there. Go shopping. The hotter and stickier
the air, the better to go shopping. This will give you an idea of what
a walk through the Sahara desert feels like, only with the Sahara being
somewhat more quiet and calm, besides some live adventures to tell at home.
If the weather is bad, go down to the beach; you'll have it all to yourself
since the other tourists will definitely be shopping for three reasons.
First, running around in a crowded city is less stressful at a cool
temperature. Second, they've been at the beach for so long now, time for
some shopping. Third, the beach is not really nice during bad weather, and
fourth, "all the others are here too, it must be good!".
If the weather has been good or bad several days in a row before it changes,
the rules are even more true, for tourists are simple-minded people and a
more obvious change of weather will make their decisions easier.
Foreign Language(s):
If you can't speak one, or speak so bad that you are easily recognized,
then don't. Not at all. Don't even try to. If you do, prices in the
nearby shops and marketstands will immediately triple, and people
with hats and long dark coats will try to sell you real gold watches
("stolen from the rich") or homegrown Ganja ("it's all natural").
Instead, try to use gestures to communicate (pretend you're too cool to
talk at the moment). If you actually speak well enough to pass as a local,
don't say a word either. The result of trying to make an impression is
being immediately surrounded by tourists who ask for directions and steal
your soul with little gadgets called cameras.
Sightseeing Tours:
Definitely skip this. It's a rip-off anyway, and all you'll be learning
about are things like: how many stairs all the churchtowers in town have;
with the weather being so terrific it would be a good idea to go down to
the beach after the tour; that the city had been a really nice and
prosperous place several hundred years ago, which makes it a real pity
that you could not have seen it back then. And to top it off, you'll
be told all this by some young female student from your home country,
who happens to be doing this only for monetary reasons and not being a
local at all, which explains why she speaks your language so well in the
first place.
Enjoying Yourself:
In the evening hours, find some people who you definitely know are locals
that look like they are in a party mood and follow them to their usual
hangout. If you travel by car, look for local number plates, but don't be
fooled by hired cars. Do not even try to get a taxi driver to drop you off
at an "in" place, for this will get you even further away from the real
action. Taxi drivers get paid by the tourist attraction owners to drop you
off there, and the mafia money they make through this is much higher than
the tip you'll give them, so just forget about that taxi idea.
After you find a local hangout, enter the place and order some national
drink, even if you don't like it. This will immediately make everyone else
notice you are a tourist, and they'll be so excited that a tourist has
actually popped up in this remote corner of town that they'll like your face
just because it's a different one for once. If you then tell them that
their country is really beautiful and you really like it, they'll absolutely
love you, invite you for one round after another of that national drink you
don't even like, and generally have a great time all night long.