This article is classified "Real"
Bowel movements take up a large amount of an individual's waking life and, in the fast-paced, hurried, etc. way of life these days, free time does not come easy. I have found, through extensive research, that one's time on the throne is an excellent opportunity for relaxation, stimulating intellectual reading, or quiet reflection on one's life. My roommate and I have been keeping a defecation log in order to spot patterns or deduce the circumstances behind a good dump. By numbering our dumps and dating them, plotting them against factors such as overall enjoyment (1-10), splash factor (1-10), significant odors, and other important variants, we have made some interesting discoveries. It seems the most important contribution to a satisfactory excretion is the rectal dilation; there is a definite direct proportion between the data in the Estimated Rectal Dilation column (cm) and the Overall Enjoyment column. It seems the sensation from the rectal dilation is the most significant contributor to overall peace of mind, euphoria, and relaxation during a dump, to which all other factors depend on for enjoyment. Further analyzing the data, we found that the most pleasing dilation fell in the interval of 2.75 to 3.5 centimeters. Graphing the whole range of dilations produced a Maxwellian Distribution Curve, with 3.10 being the top of the curve. To the left of this value, smaller dilations were less likely to produce significant sensations to affect one's state of mind, while to the right of this value, higher dilations produced bleeding, excruciating pain, and eventually unconsciousness, as my roommate found when experiencing an estimated dilation of 6.5 centimeters, as the proctologist later reported. To continue, there was also a direct proportion between Viscosity (1-10) and Estimated Rectal Dilation (cm), indicating that Viscosity is the direct controller of dilation. After plotting the data, my roommate and I found a general equation relating Viscosity (V) to Rectal Dilation (D): V=kD, "k" being the Poop Constant. However, this accounts only for Viscosity up to 8.5 (nearly rock solid) and dilations up to 6.5 cm, and should be subject to further research. Reading Materials were also an important variable. While not actually affecting the nature of the bowel movement itself, it seemed that dumps were much more enjoyable if reading materials were involved. This data is more prone to speculation, but comic books, letters from friends, or other more frivolous forms of reading were preferred over novels or other more serious forms of reading. However, in the absence of the preferred reading material, it seems the subject would much prefer to have anything to read and, in extreme cases, would rather read the graffiti on the stall walls or the political ads than look at one's own stark naked torso sitting on the porcelain throne.