This article is classified "Real"
For those who are familiar with Terran ways (Oh God! I'm a smart ass!),
phone bills are one of the most important parts of the daily, er, monthly
Terran life. In a nutshell, you get the bill by mail (ie, Terran mail,
which is still performed by humanoids and with the use of 5 + 4 digit zip
codes, as in the primitive days of the central Galaxy), you open it up,
see the payment page, cry, and send the money (probably still crying,
depending on the number of digits in the "amount due" rectangle).
Don't even think about throwing the first page away; you're required to
"send it with your payment." And it may not be such a sad experience;
you can still amuse yourself by filling the "amount paid" squares, say,
by different colors. This page is also the most important and
"informant" page of your bill. It has your name (or your roommate's
name), your phone number with an additional 5 digits, your address (by
the way, you can learn the additional 4 digits of your zip code from
your phone bill... or from any other bill for that matter; remember,
this is the information age around this planet), a couple of parallel
lines, horizontal and vertical, which are -- I'm sure -- really
important, and a fairly long number at the bottom, with 59 digits.
For those who are now taken by the dark forces of curiosity, let me
explain to you what all this stuff is, although I'm not sure about the
exact nature of this final number myself.
The first three digits don't make any sense to you (or me); the next
three digits are your area code (ie, your phone's area code); then,
an unnecessary zero and your phone number, followed by three familiar
numbers from your account number. Then, a couple (actually, four) of
nonsense digits and the last two digits of your account. Then comes three
zeros and six mystery digits, a "train" of zeros with the amount
due embedded in it (14436 in "this" case). Why 59 digits, you ask?
It is proved in [1] that 59 digits are sufficient to represent all
communication accounts in sixteen parallel universes. If you can
bring yourself to see the other pages after you digest the total
amount due, the next page is Page One. (Thus, we conclude payment = 0;
therefore, for any real n, (n * payment) = 0, which makes sense in most
cases.)
Page One shows your last bill total, your previous payment, and current
charges. If your last bill total -- your previous payment -- is zero, you
get a "thank-you-for-your-payment" message. "Current charges" shows you
local and long-distance totals (by the way, on Earth, long distance doesn't
mean what it sounds, probably because no one has tried to call a number
in any other galaxy) and concludes with "Subtotal" which is actually
the over-all total.
Then comes the second (third) page, which is some type of a manual to your
phone bill. It explains (in "this" specific example your author tries
to understand) those nice little "amount paid" boxes on the first, no,
zero'th page. That is "important information."
OK, now we're looking at Page Three. The local call charges are shown:
monthly charges, services not regulated by the State Corporated Commission
(which means you're paying this amount for nothing), federal subscriber line
charge (which I, myself, wasn't able to understand), local 911 tax, relay
center surcharge (which seems highly unnecessary) and, local and federal
taxes. You may be lost at this point. They know you are, that's why they
explain that you can call the number on this page and ask. "They are
easiest to reach on Tues through Thurs." (What are Tues and Thurs? Write
it correctly, guys, you have three more -- empty -- lines below.)
Page Four comes with two unnecessary lines of "rate key" and that's it.
And this the work of the people who try to save some paper by typing
"Tues" instead of "Tuesday."
Page Five summarizes long distance calls and includes federal tax, state
and local surcharges (which, I believe, should read "sur^3charges." Aren't
we surcharged somewhere on Page Three?) Pages Six through Ten list your
long distance calls: time, place, number, whatever. (By the way, all these
numbers can change, especially on the last part since not much of you guys
call long distance more than me.) Check these pages carefully; you won't
believe your eyes ("Call to NYC at 01:55am?"; "Who talked to Turkey for 42
minutes? Oh, OK, that's mine"; "Where the hell is Kensington?"; "Hey guys,
this means that we used the phone non-stop for four-and-a-half hours on
Nov. 18th, nice!"; "God! I can't believe I called this guy in Pittsburgh 11
times in December!"; "What is this? Got an 'F' next to it and it still
costs me 3 dollars!" [Remember it's never late to switch back]) [2].
At the end of the long distance list, you get the definitions of the
abbreviations which you may encounter while trying to figure out what
is/was/will be what. ("Hey, this 'V' means 'free speech call.' How come we
never get one of these? And, what is the exact meaning of 'free speech call'
anyway? Does this mean we can say whatever we want?")
And on Page Ten, a word from your long distance company... You can send
your friends and family gift certificates instead of -- simply -- calling
them. And, also lots of registered mark signs. Some guy came up with the
phrase "calling circle" and it's a registered trademark. What can I say?
Brilliant! Ah, and this number for gift certificates... 1-800-395-GIVE.
Why not make it easier to remember, something like... 1-800-111-GIVE,
1-800-MCI-GIVE, or 1-800-ASS-****. ("Come on guys, you're the phone
company!") "Thank you and happy holidays from MCI friends and family."
Oh-oh, not that close, you're just my long distance carrier, that's all.
Hey, they even provide the envelope!
[1] M.S. Lauren, K.H. Zupta, "An application of large number theory and
stochastic processes: Bell Atlantic Phone Bills," Trans. Comm. Syst.
40(1987)576.
[2] "Life on the Communication Devices: Selected horror stories" Ed.
by C. Unsal, pp.101-114, Xtrablatrum & Descendants Pub. Ltd. 1992.