This article is classified "Real"
Years ago scholars attempted to collect information on all the religions in
the known galaxy. While the attempt itself proved useless, it did provide a
system of classification for religions. To get a quick understanding of any
given religion it is helpful to learn this simple classification method.
Each religion identifier consists of a string of numbers, letters, and
hyphens for quickly locating certain attributes. I highly recommend all
those writing articles about any religion to use this classification scheme
so that the average person can find quickly exactly what the religion
entails without the difficulty of reading the entire text. The scheme also
offers itself to a good ordering for the text of any religion.
The first digit of the classification number represents the number of
deities the religion has, followed by a letter indicating the type. Omit
the letter if the first digit is 0.
A) All powerful, all knowing benevolent
B) All powerful, but one can usually pull pranks due to
lack of all knowingness.
C) All knowing, but who the hell really cares due to lack
of all powerfulness.
D) Neither all knowing nor all powerful, but just kind of there.
E-H) Same as above, but malevolent
I) Whoever happens to be leader of the people at the time
J) Everything and everybody is part of the god
K) Everything and everybody, except for people members of
the religion don't like, is part of god
L) God is a head of lettuce named Ralph
The next digit represents what is expected after death by the following
chart:
0) Everybody goes to a nice place
1) Members of the religion go to a nice place, everybody
else goes to an unpleasant place
2) Members of the religion go to an unpleasant place,
everybody else goes to a nice place
3) Everybody goes to an unpleasant place
4) Nobody goes anywhere
5) Really bad people are forced to work in all night
convenience stores in New Jersey
6) Everybody is reincarnated
7) Only people who deserve punishment are reincarnated
The letter immediately following that represents the organization of the
religion. A representing very organized, Z representing chaos. Follow this
by a hyphen to make it easier to find the next section.
The next number represents the percentage of members that are named "Bubba."
Do this on a scale from 0 to 9, with 0 meaning that nobody is named Bubba
and 9 meaning that everyone is named Bubba. Southern Baptists are rated a 5
and the First Congregational Church of Bubba is a 9.
The next letter indicates how policy is decided, if no letter is listed then
there is no policy.
A) Handed down from a single source
B) Voted upon by a collection of elders
C) Voted upon by everybody
D) Chosen by a random number generator
E) Determined by careful computer analysis
F) Determined by combatants representing each view playing
Super Mario Brothers
Z) Nobody has ever tried to change the policy, so nobody
knows just yet
Then follows a digit representing the number of ways one can spell the name
of the religion.
The next letter represents the place where the religion holds its meetings:
A) No meetings
B) A building set aside for the purpose
C) A building which is also the gym for the local high school
D) Outside
E) In an airport or bus terminal
F) In a submarine
G) In a graveyard or mausoleum
F) In a bathtub or jacuzzi
If ever the standards to any of these above constraints are unknown, the use
of a question mark is preferred.
Examples:
Atheism: 04Z-11A
Buddhism: 1J7M-2Z2B
Calvinism: 1A1B-0B1B
Catholicism: 1A1A-1A1B
Hare Krishna: 1J7C-3A4E
Episcopalianism: 1??M-0B1B