This article is classified "Real"
Well, I suppose you'll reach Berlin by anything, doesn't matter, as long as
you're there. There is lot to say about how to fool the East-German customs
officers and buy tax-free booze and fags in transit through DDR and get them
into town; however, since they've torn the wall, which is widely considered
a bad move, and has made many people quite angry, this has become immaterial.
The only reason I mention it at all is to produce more lines and to pretend
that I'd know it.
The Wall:
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First of all a little joke:
Do you know why the Chinese people always show such a mysterious smile,
expressing something like "Well, I know that you'd love to know why I'm
grinning like this, but I won't tell, 'cause if I did you'd be wondering why
someone can grin like that for such reasons." ?
Well, they do so because their Chinese Wall is still undamaged.
Since the wall was torn down in 1990, it can no longer be visited. But you
can still buy pieces of it from many street dealers. Don't worry, if you can
visit Berlin only in late 2001, there'll be still street dealers, selling
those nice lightly colored Original-Berliner-Mauer-Brick-Parts, and there
will always be smart froods spraying graffities to house-walls, tearing them
down and sell the parts to tourists (slang expression Turissis). There's
more to say about these street dealers and the Russian army caps, wrist
watches, and Kalashnikows they sell, but this will come under 'Souvenirs.'
Culture:
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There is. Buy a Berlin-Culture-Guide; it lists all museums, galleries,
concert halls, churches, congress places and public lavatories. Buying it,
you'll not only get all important information, but also help the suffering
tourist-industry-managers to a new Mercedes car. Thank You for doing so.
Music:
------
There is. Buy ear protecting devices.
Universities:
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There are several: the Free University, the Technical University, The
Humbold University, The Hochschule der Kuenste, and a public lavatory. They
all are places for students to hang around, drink a lot, breed new students,
and give free UseNet access to them. Irrelevant, completely.
The Zoo:
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There are. Yes, are! Berlin has two zoos (actually three) due to the fact,
that before the wall was torn, everything had to be kept in two copies, one
for the capitalist West-Berlin and one for the communist Hauptstadt der
DDR. Now that Berlin has become the capital of Germany, for most of these,
only the capitalist ones survived. Exceptions to this rule prove it. The
third "Zoo" is actually referring to a big railroad station, but many
interesting lifeforms can be watched here, too. The (former-has-been)
West-Berlin Zoo is called Zoo (Zoologischer Garten). As you enter it, beware
of one of the elephants, which likes to throw sand at the tourists. In the
carnivore-house beware of one of the lions, which likes to piss at the
tourists. In the night-animal house beware of pickpockets. The
(now-no-longer) East-Berlin Zoo is called Der Tierpark which could be
translated as "The Animal Park" which is nonsense. No special precautions
are necessary.
Sex:
----
There is. Buy a Berlin-Sex-Guide; it lists all sexshops, gay-sexshops, porno
cinemas, brothels, single-whores and public lavatories. Buying it, you'll
not only get all important information, but also help the suffering
tourist-industry-managers to a new Mercedes car. Thank you for doing so.
The Ku-Damm (Kurfuerstendamm):
------------------------------
Like in many other cities, there is a thing like downtown in Berlin, only, it
is not called downtown, towncentre or any other commonly used expression,
but The Ku-Damm. Don't get misled by the fact that there is also a road
called Ku-Damm; this is only the center of the towncentre. There are other
really froody spots in town rather than The Ku-Damm, but you should visit
them only if you:
1) are after fun
2) own a knife or gun, or are familiar with karate
and other survival techniques
3) will not easily be recognized as a tourissi
History:
--------
There is. Buy a Berlin-History-Guide; it lists all castles, small castles,
government castles, old churches, new churches, parliament house, and public
lavatories. Buying it, you'll not only get all important information, but
also help the suffering tourist-industry-managers to a new Mercedes car.
Thank You for doing so.
Sightseeing-Tours:
------------------
They are a rip. Better hire a cab and tell the driver to take you to the
next corner on the fastest way. You'll have a lot more fun (especially when
you see the bill).
Adventures:
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There are many adventures to join in Berlin. A very good place for doing so
is Kreuzberg (crosshill). Again, don't get misled by the hill Kreuzberg,
which is also in Berlin, but at a completely different place. SO36 (ESSO
sexondthryssik, phonetically spelled) is what you should tell the cab-driver.
Getting a cab driver taking you there is already the first adventure.
Joining adventures in Kreuzberg is simple: shave your head and just move
around. The adventure (skinhead-loathing Turks, Asians, East Europeans,
Italians, or any other intelligent live forms will approach you and take
care of everything else, including your mortal remains. These will be taken
care of by the BSR, who have a special department for this, and will be
recycled as Doner-Kebab, Hamburger, or Curry-Wurst, the latter of which
tastes almost absolutely but not completely unlike a hot dog.
Science:
--------
There is. Buy a Berlin-Science-Guide; it lists all Universities, Institutes,
Experimental stations, nature observing stations, astronomical observatories,
and public lavatories. Buying it, you'll not only get all important
information, but also help the suffering tourist-industry-managers to a new
Mercedes car. Thank you for doing so.
Souvenirs:
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Well, you know, there are these souvenir-shops. They are exactly like in
each other town, only instead London-Tower-models they sell Funkturm-models
and instead Saint-Pauls-T-shirts they sell Kaiser-Wilhelm-Gedaechtnis-Kirche
T-shirts. A lot more fun to buy souvenirs from are those many street
dealers, which I already mentioned above. These smart froods make their
living out of the fact that the wall was torn down, the real (existing)
socialism in the (former-has-been) USSR has crashed, and the Russian,
American, English and French soldiers moved out of Berlin. Especially the
Russians are most valuable for them: after all that Crash (Wall, Socialism,
USSR etc.) first happened, many Russian soldiers sold their army-caps,
medals, onion-style watches and Kalashnikovs. Meanwhile, all these
Original-Russian-Army-Souvenirs are all standard "Made in Hong Kong" quality,
and of course the Kalashnikovs are no longer sold (except the
Made-in-Taiwan-plastic-ones).
Tea (where to get a cup of):
----------------------------
In almost every restaurant, but in no public lavatories you'll be served
tea. You can get Ceylon-, Broken Orange Pekoe-, Darjeeling-, Russian-,
Turkish, Japanese-, several fruit and haschisch (cannabis) tea.