This article is classified "Fictional"
One of the foremost debates of all time between creatures of any reasonable sentience has been: "What is Art?" Some, like the Algrabaxian QuadraFrogs state that art is any substance that is pleasing to the pineal gland of another QuadraFrog. This answer is not generally accepted in the charted regions of the Galaxy for the sole reason that the QuadraFrogs are amazing liars, and nobody really thinks the QuadraFrogs have pineal glands anyway. Hence, the debate rages on and on, sparking the occasional heated party conversation here and the frequent interstellar war there. So, the hitchhiker should obviously know something of art and its merits before departing on any grand adventure across the galaxy. Fortunately for the hitchhiker, the concepts involved are so annoyingly tedious that even the most well-respected authority on art does not fully comprehend them all. This gives the hitchhiker a very wide margin for error when discussing it. First, you must realize that art is expensive. So expensive, in fact, that the average hitchhiker will never actually purchase any from a respected gallery. This is a good thing, because this means that only 4 out of every 10,000,000,000 people you might meet on any given world actually own anything that could pass itself off as a masterpiece. The sole exception is the planet Earth, which, through a theoretically impossible fluctuation of the laws of physics, relativity and good taste, has been given the dubious honor of having the highest concentration of artists in the entire western arm of the galaxy. Among the "paintings" available on Earth, the ones of the "Black Velvet" nature have been called some of the best works of art in the Known Universe. They are also cheap. Pick a few up and make a killing on a more civilized planet. Next, you must formulate an opinion of a work of art when you see one. Art thrives on opinions. The "Mada Saskootchka" of the famed thermonuclear sculptor Kritchkrotch was discovered (and later made immortal) when an unwitting passer-by uttered the word "Halichutz," which in the native language of Saskootchka meant "That, my good man, was inspired by the Gods themselves!" A minor scandal erupted when it was discovered that the passer-by who uttered this comment was not actually from Saskootchka, but its neighboring planet Eyup, and that in Eyupian the word actually meant "Get your bloody Erector Set off of the sidewalk!" The scandal was resolved by a tricky art dealer who stated "What does it matter that it looks like an Erector Set? It's an Erector Set that the Gods Inspired, and that is what's important." So, should you find yourself in one of the famous galleries of Dreedrax, or end up in a snobbish party that is being held in a place of considerable repute, you now know enough about art to carry on a decent conversation about the various pieces on display. One proven tactic is to walk to the nearest area where a group of people are standing around staring at something and stating in a mildly arrogant tone "This is supposed to be art?" If it isn't, you will be told so, but if it is you will generally be plunged into a conversation about the piece and its merits. Then make generally pompous comments about the piece's faults in style, concept and execution (e.g. "This person looks as if he/she/it's trying to emulate the Black Velvet paintings of Terra. It's a blatant rip-off. [pointing to the work] See, look at that brush stroke. It's a VERY poor emulation, and, to be frank, sacrilege!") This works very well, as almost no civilized being has ever actually seen a Terran Black Velvet). This approach almost always makes you the life of the party, and you will find many people willing to drink a toast to you to hail your good taste and/or take you to bed.