This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
At some time, all hitchhikers are going to eventually find themselves with the inescapable need to verbally communicate with some other being. This is usually quite dangerous, the type of thing that television personalities with less intelligence and coordination than a falling bowl of petunias tell you not to try at home even though you couldn't possibly try it at home because the task in question involves being suspended over a half-mile deep canyon without a towel while handcuffed to Rosanne Arnold. We therefore provide some handy tips for making the experience, if not more pleasant, then at least survivable. The first thing to know is that the particular language you speak is not terribly important, Babel fish or no Babel fish, since no one will actually be listening to the content of your speech. People will have already made up their minds about what you are going to say long before you begin speaking, and it is this meaning which will govern any replies or reactions to your statements; indeed, one might begin to wonder why it was that this conversation needed to be had in the first place. This should be carefully considered before proceeding, as it may just be possible to avoid the entire incident after all. You should therefore speak in the tongue most familiar to you in order to reserve your concentration for more important matters such as how to get the last word in as quickly as possible. With all the latest hype about being culturally correct, socially correct, environmentally correct, politically correct, and anatomically correct, it is vital to understand the importance of being right no matter what the cost. In fact, experts estimate that nearly every war in the galaxy has been caused by someone being wrong. It is recommended that the modern hitchhiker employ the increasingly popular style known as Definitely Correct Speech. The basic technique is that everything you say must be absolutely, precisely, unquestionably correct or, when this is not convenient, so wildly inaccurate as to make the thought of denial utterly preposterous. The best place to find examples of the proper use of Definitely Correct Speech is in the Guide. The very idea of disputing anything published in the Guide is downright unthinkable and would likely be followed by heavy lawsuits, commitment of the individual or organization to a sanitarium, and probably a lynching. Another excellent source is employees of the telephone company, although engaging in conversation with one of these beings is highly discouraged.