This article is classified "Real"
The telephone system is a remarkable communications network that has been successfully and properly implemented on most civilized planets except Earth. Because of this unfortunate situation, you may find the following pointers helpful when placing calls to, from, or between locations on Earth. Placing a call -------------- The first thing you will need to place a telephone call is an area code. An area code is a series of random digits assigned to a particular country, state or province, region, city, street, building, floor, room, telephone, or point in space. The best way to obtain an area code is to call the party you wish to reach and ask them to call you back five minutes ago and tell it to you. However, on Earth this is widely regarded as impossible, and so you may be better off to simply punch one at random and hope for the best. The next thing you will need is an actual telephone number. This is, naturally, a series of random digits assigned to a particular country, state or province, region, city, street, building, floor, room, telephone, point in space, or even a person. After you dial the area code, you should proceed with dialing the digits of the telephone number. Order is not important, as the destination of your call has been decided in advance by the telephone company's computers. Wrong numbers ------------- The best thing to do if you dial the wrong number is to rave furiously at the answering party about how they have their telephone connected improperly and insist that they contact the telephone company and change their phone number immediately. Unless, of course, the answering party is a member of the telephone company, in which case your best recourse is simply to quote passages from The Guide at them until they hang up. Employees of the telephone company are highly trained by masters in the art of Definitely Correct Speech, and entering into an argument with one of them would, besides being completely pointless, require serious psychiatric rehabilitation to repair the resulting damage to your (a) ego and (b) perceptions of reality. Billing errors -------------- Here is what you should do if you detect an error on your billing statement: Forget about it. Simply pay the amount shown in the "Amount Due" box and be done with the matter. It is a little-known fact that the methods employed in producing telephone bills are an offshoot of the science of Bistromathics, and thus the numbers printed on them are completely incomprehensible to anyone but (possibly) the telephone company's computers. Most of the actual meaningful information on the bill is also printed in a language invented by these same computers, so there is really nothing to be done about it except to let the computers have their fun. Troubleshooting --------------- If your telephone does not work properly, you should immediately purchase a new one and relocate to another country, state or province, region, city, street, building, floor, room, or point in space to have it installed by the telephone company. Do not attempt to tell them that your telephone does not work, as they will simply tell you that it does and that will be the end of it. Just tell them politely that you need an additional telephone and would they please come and install it next Tuesday morning. This is the only known method of communicating productively with the telephone company. You will of course need to be available on Thursday afternoon when they perform the installation. Emergencies ----------- Chances are you'll never need this service, but in the event of an emergency, in most places you can now pick up any telephone and dial 119. (Again, order is not important.) You will then be connected with someone who already knows more about you, your location, and what is going on in the universe than you could possibly relate verbally before the crisis is over, so under most circumstances you can simply dial the number and listen to soothing messages until you die. You see, these people are so amazingly in touch with the universe that they will anticipate most crises and either send help or avert them in advance. If you actually find yourself in a crisis with no help in sight, then chances are that nothing can be done anyhow, so you might as well relax. On the other hand, if you happen to be walking along and see an ambulance parked up the street with the engine running, perhaps you'd best choose another route.