This article is classified "Real"
Reno is a city placed in the precise location where the most people should, in a rational universe, not want to be. Heartbreakingly close to breath-taking vistas, glorious mountain lakes, and the majestic peaks of the Sierra Nevada range, Reno's inhabitants instead grovel in the day-to-day squalor of a flat, parched, and dust-coated existence catering only to the tourists who flock to the area for the singularly incomprehensible reason of trading small green pieces of paper for nothing whatsoever in return. Legend has it that "Reno" is Chawktaw Indian for "When's the next bus out?" This is the question all people in Reno should be asking themselves. Gambling (the aforementioned barter of small bits of green paper) is not as much fun as the thousands of thalidomide victims wandering listlessly around the casino floors make it appear. Be warned that there are no other legally tolerated forms of recreation aside from gambling in the entire state of Nevada. (Although legends of a brave group of renegade volleyball players do surface with surprising regularity.) Eating in Reno: You may be tempted by such offers as "64-oz steak $1.99" or by the even-more seductive circus-circus buffet, offering an embarrassing extravaganza of carefully designed, 100% vinyl food and the atmosphere of your more sub-standard amusement parks all for one low price. Ignoring the obvious cholesterol risks and the not-infrequent outbreaks of food-poisoning, there remains a compelling reason to avoid such eateries. Known as "Keno," this variant of lotto is played in all casino restaurants and is widely regarded as the twelfth most annoying thing in the Universe, the eleventh being the tendency of the natives of New York City to torture their friends to death as a greeting ritual. One additional fact concerning Reno: It is in a very arid desert. This in and of itself would not be so bad, but the sad fact of the matter is that Reno's residents fail to comprehend their situation and believe instead that (a) Reno is merely in the midst of some sort of decades-long drought, but it'll soon be over and then you'll be sorry for saying we shouldn't use so much water keeping our golf courses in tournament conditions, won't you?, (b) the stinking trickle of fetid water that slithers past downtown is actually a "river," and (c) despite the fact that Lake Tahoe has pretty much been completely drained to provide a last gasp of a water supply, building big new housing developments is a really keen idea.