This article is classified "Real"
If you follow the path of the mighty Mississippi River all the way from its
source in the Northern United States, down its twisty and meandering bends
through the heart of the country, to its forked mouth dumping millions of
gallons of muddy water into the Gulf of Mexico, you would probably be quite
disappointed. Except for a few dirty brown pelicans and the remains of a
beautiful swamp cut into little bitty pieces by an overzealous petrochemical
company, there isn't much to see. You would probably, without a second
thought, backtrack your way up the river, round the final few bends, and find
a place to have a drink in the city of New Orleans.
If you don't like to drink, dance, eat, or listen to music, you might
continue on your way back up to the source of the river. In fact, if you
don't like to drink, dance, eat, or listen to music it is doubtful that you
will ever chance to venture out along the river in any case.
While there are many interesting sights throughout this old and historic
city, there are plenty of tour and travel books available to show you
around. For now we will just concentrate on the important part of the
city: the places to go to have fun.
Where to Stay:
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The absolute best place to sleep in New Orleans is in your van. Your old,
scratched, well beat up, nicely inconspicuous van. This solves any problems
you may have finding your way to a motel at 4 am. It is also quite a bit
cheaper than any of the motels in New Orleans, even if you have to buy the
van, and a new set of tires for it the next day. Some people with money
stay in hotels within the city. This writer neither has money, or knows
any of these people, so we will simply drop the idea all together. People
with enough money to stay downtown can afford one of those slick travel
books with a picture of something on the cover that you will probably never
see in the city to which the book is said to relate to.
Somewhere between the airport and the French Quarter is a city called
Metarie. The only redeeming quality of this city other than being close
enough to New Orleans to make it the perfect place to pull over to get a
quick bite, take a leak, or puke on the way home is the abundance of cheap
motels. You will find, however, that after being in New Orleans, cheap is
a relative term. My personal favorite is the Peacock Plaza Inn.
The Peacock Plaza Inn is noted as being a good compromise between price,
cleanliness, and safety. It is also known for being across the street from a
topless bar (The Downs) and free porno movies. Based on this author's
experience, a six pack and free pornos is better than a trip to The Downs,
but then some people like paying five bucks for a seven ounce beer and having
ugly women beg them for money.
The Landmark is a bit nicer, a bit more expensive, but has a bar at the top
overlooking the city which is kind of neat. Both of these places are quite
visible from the interstate, and should be quite easy to find. Since finding
things is part of the fun, no street addresses will be given. The fact that
I have no idea what streets they are on has absolutely no influence over this
decision.
The French Quarter:
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Saying that there are no other interesting parts to such an old and historic
city would quickly get you lynched by a mob of angry New Orleans Saints fans
who are quite easily upset. The fact that these people return year after
year to cheer for a team who has never won a playoff game in their 25 year
history may give you some idea of what kind of sick individuals inhabit the
city. Unless you happen to have to live there however, you probably
shouldn't waste your time seeing the rest of the city.
When in the quarter you may be invited to bet money on various things. While
an intelligent person will rarely lose more than three or four dollars on a
visit to persistent persons, three or four dollars will buy you a good
drink at Pat O'Briens.
Q: I'll bet you a dollar I can tell you where you got your shoes.
A: (On your feet, on the street, in the City of New Orleans)
Don't bother with the shell game or picking the queen out of three cards.
Give a buck or two to the scummy guy with the box guitar playing American
Pie instead.
Decatur Street Brewpub. A great place to start, while you can still
appreciate what a good beer tastes like, and a nice bar looks like. They
serve four great homebrewed beers here. This is a block down, and across
the street from the Hard Rock Cafe, which, as everybody already knows, is
simply a franchised tourist trap. Decatur Street is also a great place to
park your van. The lot across the street from the 'Bulls Corner Saloon'
is quite nice. The Bulls Corner is about a block away from the Hard Rock,
and a great place to relieve yourself once you arrive to park, when you
return to the van to drop off anything you may have purchased, and when you
get ready to pass out for the day.
Since this entry is already way too long, and telling you much more might
spoil your trip, I end this entry with a few bits of advice.
1) Pat O'Briens is not to be missed. Look stupid and ask should
you not be able to locate it for some reason. By all means
visit the Piano Bar, even if you have to stand in line. You
may want to do this later rather than sooner for the simple
reason is that you will probably not want to, or more probably
not be able to, leave.
2) Any place on Bourbon Street that offers sex, nudity, etc. on a
sign over the entrance is not worth the trouble. Any place
where you find an alleyway that is barely wide enough to squeeze
into without signs probably is worth the trouble.
3) If you wander around, you will inevitably find yourself smack in
the middle of a place that things are obviously not all that
they seem. Don't panic, don't stay any longer than possible,
and don't answer "yes" to anyone or anything that asks something
of you while there. Just trust me on this one.