This article is classified "Real"
Rio de Janeiro, a.k.a. Rio, a Brazilian city in the Southeast coast of the
country, has been known as one of the most beautiful cities on Earth.
Meanwhile, one should note that the concept of a city is a bit bigger in Rio
than in other nice small cities, like Rome or Paris. Rio has 5.6 million
inhabitants in the city and around 10 million inhabitants in the wide region
around it. Many people from Sao Paulo, Mexico City, and Tokyo used to say
Rio is a very nice little town to expend the weekend.
In Rio you can do a thousand different things, but most people do only two:
go to the beach and drink beer, not necessarily in any order. Beer is served
cold, the beach is served 40 degrees centigrade hot.
There are some main reasons you should not miss the beach, among them are
astonishingly beautiful bodies all around you (both male and female).
Cariocas girls, as people from Rio are called, used to wear short bikinis,
and no one is able to differ them from topless or nudist bathing suits,
although they don't have official topless or nude beaches in Rio.
Carnival is a must. During four days the city is turned upside-down and
rightside-left. Sometime inside-out also, due to excess of an alcoholic
beverage called Batida. Batidas taste like fruit juice (select your flavor),
but go to your head like an atomic bomb. Euthanasia is not allowed in
Brazil, so it is highly suggested that you don't drink too many Batidas.
Typical food is Feijoada (Black beans and Pork meat) and Churrasco (Barbecue,
done with big chunks of meat). Churrasco can be digested in special places
where you pay to enter and call an ambulance to deliver you home. Eating
Churrasco and drinking Caipirinha seems to be a local sport [kids: don't
try this at home]. Doing it at the beach (mid-day, 42 C) is a local suicide
technique.
Soccer fans will find Maracana, the biggest stadium in the world, in this
city. It holds 200,000 spectators, plus 22 players and 3 arbiters. Flag
colors divide spectators and players into two teams. Players usually play
soccer, while spectators develop boxing, judo, karate, and survival skills.
The police control spectator violence by applying correctional measures,
also called "police brutality" by local political groups.
The largest statue of Jesus Christ in the world can also be found in this
city. By coincidence, it is also the highest, since it is on the top of a
mountain (Corcovado). There are two ways to the statue, a difficult way and
a very difficult way. The difficult way is a vertical climb on the south
side of the mountain. The very difficult way are the tourists stair on the
west side, full of tourist shops, guides, and the most dangerous tourist
group mobs, multi-faced animals known to move by bus and hunt for food during
the day.
Local music is Samba. If you think Lambada is connected with sin, you
haven't seen a Samba dancer. Samba is designed to be danced with full
clothing: a small bra and an even smaller bikini. Samba has other
variations, one of them specially created to help heart-broken people to
decide against suicide. If you think "Sunshine On My Shoulders" is sad and
you cried seeing "Kramer vs. Kramer," you should listen to Maisa or Nelson
Goncalves records. Psychological assistance is a good measure on these
experiences.
Cariocas speak Portuguese, Spanichuese, Englichuese and Frenchuese. Some of
them speak a Bronx dialect called SmithandWessonese, composed of 4 words:
give, me, your, and money. Rio is a very large city, with some prejudice
against people wearing shorts with flowers, t-shirts with flowers, gold
jewelry and a using camcorders. These people, which usually call themselves
tourists, have the local denomination of "fool," "idiot," or "duck." Just
ignore it.
Prices go from very cheap to most expensive in the world, depending on if
you want a cheese sandwich, or an apartment on Vieira Souto Avenue, in front
of Ipanema Beach, where the prices are higher than New York's 5th Avenue or
Champs-Elysee.
Weather is hot in spring, very hot in summer, hot in autumn, and quite hot in
winter. Rains are in the end of March. Temperature goes from 20 to 42 C,
20 C is usually considered "damned cold" by the locals. The city is wet.
80% humidity is ok for Cariocas. Better if it's higher.
Cariocas are like the weather, plain hot. You should not take a honeymoon in
Rio unless you robbed a bank in the last 3 weeks before your marriage. Rio
is a place to find people. "You don't bring a sandwich to a banquet" is a
common saying there.
Drugs are not allowed, but you can find most popular cigarette brands,
Coca-Colas, and McDonald's around. Popcorn dealers can be found in every
school door, and ice cream is a necessity very well supplied by international
and local companies.
Local currency is the Cruzeiro (Cr$). It's worth around $0.001 US and going
down. Even if the US dollar is going down, the Cruzeiro goes faster.
Actually, it goes down faster than any other currency known, including
Monopoly money.
The city is divided into different "zones." South zone is cool, and
includes world-renown Copacabana and Ipanema. North zone is not so cool
alone, but can be cool with a local guide (particularly with a 22 year-old,
1.8m, dark haired, perfectly built member of the preferred sex), but you can
get a taxi and go to a Samba school with no other dangers than a headache in
the next morning. West zone can vary from dead to cool, just find a local
guide. West zone requires a car, South and North zones are ok with buses
(though a bit dangerous at dark) and taxis.
Required equipment: Mirrorshades, bathing suit.
Best time to go: Carnival (40 days before Easter, 4 days or more duration)
Best time to leave: Just after recovering from Carnival, usually 100+ days
after Easter.
You should try: Local food, Fruit Juice Shops, local people, Ipanema Beach
You should avoid: tourists, Tijuca, people from Sao Paulo, work