This article is classified "Real"
On February 10, 1865 William Barton Rogers opened the doors to the
Massachusetts Institute of Technology for the first time. The door then fell
down, since the workmen who were building MIT hadn't attached the hinges yet,
and the official opening of the school was rescheduled for February 20, ten
days later. This noble institution had been in construction for four years
prior to that point, ever since it received its charter in 1861. This
charter is not available for public viewing, since it is reputed to state
that the actual purpose for building the Institute is:
"...to torture young men who think they are smarter than
everybody else..."
Regardless of whether this is true, today, the university does not torture
merely young men, but a few young women as well. MIT is commonly regarded as
the finest technical institute in America. This is blatantly untrue, since
that title is more rightly claimed by Cal Tech, but MIT ranks pretty well.
The best parties to be found at MIT are usually thrown by the undergraduate
dormitories. Unfortunately, these mega-parties are usually once-a-year
affairs, and therefore are rather scarce. The best chance that a hitchhiker
has of finding a good party on a Friday or Saturday night is to cross the
river via the Harvard Bridge and wander around until one hears a fraternity
party and go there. This will work (Trust us).
The quickest way for males to find a willing female at MIT is to go to a
fraternity party and pretend that he belongs to that fraternity. This works,
despite the fact that MIT has a 3:1 male/female student ratio, because the
fraternities will invite females to their parties from any or all of the many
small women's colleges in Boston. The women who accept these invitations
usually have an unhealthy attraction to MIT "frat guys," and have been known
to throw themselves at these "potentially rich" with less shame than
professional streetwalkers.
The best way for a female to find a willing male at MIT is to go to a
dormitory and hit on any of the rather desperate males that she will find
there. Frequently these males will go to exorbitant lengths to please any
female who shows interest in them, since probably no one has ever done that
before. This is not necessarily their fault, but rather a by-product of 3:1.
The overall problem with finding dates at MIT is that almost all of the
people who attend MIT are, to put it mildly, nerds. The student body, as a
whole, thinks that quantum mechanics, relativity, isometric propagation of
spectral waveguides, and similar nonsense are ideal topics of conversation.
If a hitchhiker just wants to catch a movie, the (LSC) Lecture Series
Committee shows real full length movies twice a night on weekends for a
$1.50 fee. These are usually good, popular movies which have been at the
theaters for a while.
As far as finding food, do not attempt to eat at a student cafeteria. Not
that the food is bad at the cafeterias, rather, the food is fairly good, but
it is too expensive for Donald Trump, not to mention a hitchhiker. Instead,
walk along either Main St, or Massachusetts Av, until you find a restaurant
which suits you. Unless you are very picky, this will not be difficult,
since there are more restaurants on these two streets than in the rest of
the known world.
If a hitchhiker wants a tour of the less common hangouts at MIT, he/she is
advised to go to the Student Center (across Mass Ave from the Little Dome) go
to the 24-hour CoffeeHouse (third floor) and hang out there around midnight
on Saturday night. There, the hitchhiker can meet lots of people who call
themselves "hackers." Hackers of this kind do not play with computers in
their spare time, as is usually implied by the term "hacker," but rather,
they spend their spare time walking around on roofs, crawling around in
tunnels, picking locks, and generally going places that the administration
does not want anyone to go. This is their idea of "fun." If any of these
things sound fun to you, do not miss the Saturday-night CoffeeHouse tours.
Do not under any circumstances attempt to enroll as a student at MIT. MIT
is the most expensive university in America, and although it has some good
points which are fun to visit, it is not a whole lot of fun to attend. As an
example of this, it is claimed that the President of MIT once said,
"Sometimes I feel like the warden of a Maximum Security Prison."
If you are highly masochistic, and either rich or on full scholarship, you
may wish to consider MIT for your education. Do so at your own risk.